Goodbye 2015

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Every year when I say goodbye to a year, I try dumping all the negativity into a bin and open my arms to embrace the next beautifully. Winters do that to me and I am just so glad. Last year had quite a tricky december and so the year that came followed suit. But then dark clouds went as the year entered its second half. And if I believe in signs, I think all negativity has somehow gone off thanks to the beauty that was the second half of my year.

So let’s analyse what all this year gave me and what it took over and be glad for whatever it ended up being.  This is gonna be a lot like the month of the year challenge as I am clueless what to be glad for and what to erase. So let me summarise each month seperately.  Let me be rhythmic a bit, for that is how my brain works the best.

The year that was, the year that is
Full of struggles, and some sweet fruits
There were quit bit of tears, yet some smiles
Yet never left me empty, when I couldn’t take.

The year that was, I know it as tiring
Started with  blunders, gave some respite
Here and there, it tested me often
But while going, gave me only smiles.

January brought many  dilemmas with it
Lost was what was my favorite place to be
Hurt it gave, like I can still not forget
While leaving, gave me a tinge of sunshine.

To overcome hurts, made me meet guardians
In name of colleagues, I met worthy humans
Sometimes being asked is all that is worth
And with it comes smiles that make us glad.

February O february, when did you come and go
I don’t even remember the supersonic speed
It was like a superwoman entered in my life
Handling it all in a day, I tasted my capabilities.

In between all the rush I made few memories
Met a friend who made me all smiles with talks
Danced and laugh on the d-day of another
In all and all, it was a great month for a while.

March you came once again, with your usual damper.
Lost on what was mine, hassled the mind as usual
Dark thoughts and anxious waits made it impossible
Like it was the end of another of the world.

Still, it wasn’t half as bad as one might think
Some beautiful conversations with people we like
Or some baked midnight surprises made it fine
I was just so glad I somehow did survive.

April is most often the special birthday blues
It was good in phases and that made it fine
Kept trying for some good times with hope
It was sullen in many ways yet I was sane.

It brought some girlies outside the screens
I learned how to have fun on off with them
Made pre birthday the most fun in laughter
And cake surprise on the day was the stealer.

Summer was going off just like that
Mostly in sickness, rest in stress
May was my baby’s birthday I remember
June was spent in preparing the next.

I wonder what these months gave me
And I do not know what to say still
But the first half was going off
and I was glad for it this time.

July came, and so did all the tests
Failings were one after the other
Somehow all my merits were short
And I was sick of all that wasn’t mine.

Just like that even August went
I have no idea what it brought
I now think of it as the month
That was last of the worst I saw.

September brought with it some respite
Another beginning, even if not as wanted
There was something that worked again
And smiles were around just like that.

October brought some muse  as I wrote much
Work and pleasure were combined in own ways
A twin visited from across the shores
Laughters and friendship mingled in smiles.

November was end of something nice 
I see it as the premonition of good times
It was something which was mix of it all
Work was light, family tight, friends near.

Like a sunshine, beautiful conversations
Or maybe a kissed sunshine of my heart
It brought visit from the other shore
Of friends held deep in the heart.

December was lot about positivity abound
It was about the believes and attraction
It was about the winter and the chill
It was all about smiling for I feel

It brought famed coincidences to me
It brought money I was awaiting
It brought celebrated drunkenness
In all it brought my writing muse.

Year o year now you end and I thank 
For deleting once that never cared
Bringing and keeping ones that did
For filling me with only hopes now.

I see the year ahead as with only hope
For it is meant to be my destined year
Filled with gifts I desired all along 
And love that resides in its corner. 

Thank you 2015 for existing. Thank you for all those who disappeared without a bye. Thank you for ones who came and filled me with happiness. Thank you for the smiles and laughters. Thank you for friends and acquaintances. Thank you for the lessons of a life time. Most of all thank you for all those satisfied works. As you go, I flush off all negativity, I forgive all that hurt me. You all be history. I wish for only smiles of positivity now on.

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I await you 2016 with beautiful warmth.Prove me right and be the one I forever remember.Be all that and lot more as I see. Be the dreams I never saw. I love you, new beginning.

Happy New Year 2016 to all of you lovelies. Hopefully I write more in the new year  🙂

(Source)

P.S. : Sorry for a rather long poem but had to do it.

Unrequited Love

 

I don’t even know if I know what it is properly. Maybe because whenever I have felt something which was not requited I called it infatuation. My first crush lasted I guess five years. It got over when I thought I was in love. But today I think he wasn’t love but was my first muse. Back in those days, I studied literature, and absolutely loathed studying poetry but then this guy walks in with those greek God looks and I started to scribble. I hardly have much memory, but I know, I had lonely nights where I just wrote and in the college I roamed here and there to catch a glimpse of him. I think I even changed chairs in my class once to sit near him. And maybe even smiled when he took my notes or said thanks. Man, those were the days. That was the closest I could get to love then. And I benefitted. Few of my poems were published and I found a talent I never knew existed. Also, I got a taste of love that isn’t mine.

Then, came another one, I crushed on. I think everyone but me knew I was infatuated. And somehow he never liked it. He almost scrapped my heart out. It was terrible. Yearnings I came to know then. But he marked his memory forever. For he was also my first kiss. A very beautiful one. My heart desired more and I messed up the friendship. And we became strangers. But then somehow things happen for the best. For if he had never happened, I would not have met someone who I cannot define.

I called him the friend first. Then a best friend, then my first love and ultimately my soul mate. But I am talking of unrequited love right, so how can we talk of lovers ? Well, sometimes lovers teach a bit too much about it. He taught me love, strength, patience and lot many things. But more than anything he taught me that kind of selfless love where we are fine with them not loving us our way. That is unrequited love too in a way. It took a great deal for my heart to make that person my greatest weakness, and it took a lot of strength to make him accept his love for me. But I won. Love won. Just that destiny failed us. And ever since, he stays as the greatest love story of my life till date. We maintain the fallacy of friendship but still cannot talk about our lovers. My heart skips a beat when I see his picture. I have moved on, maybe. But he is still that piece of my heart that still feels the same. I never could gather the courage to meet him again. For if I did, love might come flooding back and destroy me.

Of late, I relish in the idea of unrequited love more than going and expressing it. Maybe being in love scares me. I infatuate, I cherish people I like. I write about all muses I meet. But I don’t seek a story. I like to yearn, I like to feel it from afar. And then when I take a step, someone just destroys me. Someone just did that. I was on a step to love and they stepped far and cut me off their life. I was hurt. But more than anything I was taken aback at the coldness which humans have now. They express all their love till we are ready. And then. Maybe, that is just me. Maybe, it is the expectations of the heart which want more. But then I love and hence I feel and so I write.

Somehow, life has taken hold of me. I don’t really care or love that hard. Infact, it doesn’t matter. I have a hard time to trust. I somehow wonder if love is even for me. For all my life, I loved more than I got and I just lost the patience. Or maybe because I showered all my love to that one person that now I just cannot give. I can give from far, like unrequited love. But when I receive, I question it.

Maybe that is one reason, my muse is just that for a long time. When I first met him. I knew we could write a tale together. I longed to touch the cervices of his scars and tell him I can heal. Below the moonlight night, when he sang, I wanted to quieten his pain. When we shared coffee, and he talked of his dreams, I wished I could live them with him. And now when he talks of loneliness, I wish to sit aside and listen. But alas, I can’t even embrace him or hold his hand. Kiss would be too much. It is not like I cannot. I fear, I have lost the capability to love, and would loose that feeling if I get the ‘ one’. Maybe, I am just too used to unrequited love to ever be able to relish mutual love.

That is just me.  I loose feeling the love when people show too much of it to me. Maybe I like challenges even in love. But I still believe. Because only love is what can make a happy destiny. I believe someday that shield from my heart will go and I will love with all my vulnerabilities. But what hurts is, till that right one comes along, lot of players might attempt to bruise my tattered heart. I do not really allow it now. But we have our weak moments, where we just want a caring hand. Maybe, age is catching on me. And I detest loneliness. I am vulnerable and yet shielded. And it is scary to think that in that double protection game I will attract only the wrongs and repel the right. For I distrust all humans now. For what some evil ones did.

I am made for loving. Maybe even unrequited. I am made for longing and spilling it out on paper. I am made for lonely poetic nights and cold tears. I am made for lot of things. But I still believe.

I believe there is reality beyond unrequited love for everyone.

P.S. I wrote this as a guest post for Archana’s blog long time back. Long I wrote anything so thought will update my readers with this for it has been a while.

P.S.S. Too much this heart and mind has stuffed inside and somehow I am unable to write it and spill. As a result the person that is me is suffering. I updated my blog in the hope that maybe I get inspired to write. Even if few words. I want to. Someday I will.

 

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Winter Smiles

The first flecks of snow, or the first winds of freeze, the darkness abound and the hidden sun. That is what winters is to most. Some call it dark, some call it negative, some call it blue and some call it unfair. I had no real liking/ dislike for winters for they were mostly extreme here or it was just like spring. As they are  saying their goodbye to welcome the next season, I think I should thank them for one thing they gave me this time, smiles.

Well , for the past few years, there was no wit or humour, no happiness or laughs, be it winters or summers. Life tested me without hope for as far I remember since a while. I labored hard to move on , to be cancelled from the light of life. The elasticity of the moment made me lose what I had and I was responsible. I saw hate before love, bad before good, and rejection before hope.

Then the double load of life started making me fall, in dark recesses of tears. Cries which hounded deep within the self I know not of. Tests were slowly ending to show me hope in different symbols. Mysticisms of life crept through, I sometimes ignored. Then I chose to made a call, to tell myself, things cannot go worse and I decided to live again.

A new start, a new beginning, and amongst the troubles I felt, I decided to  chose. Choosing to building without windows, which were shattered ages back . I chose to attach the strings of life back to me. I chose to hope, to smile, to explore and try. Try to find the happiness within, the joy in darkness and hope in closed walls. I chose to defy and rebel against the sadness of life. Only to find-I survived.

A new tractor of life carried me to unknown zones of talent, I knew not of before. I loved winters, I loved smiles, passions were overriding within. Talents were blooming with enthusiasm and I knew I was coming to conquer. Today, the winter, the dark, the snow is going away, I dont relish summers but I decide to open arms to it as well and thank the breeze of winter that is still touching my skin. The elementary existence of life found a meaning in life , by showing both happiness and sadness, and yet making the pessimism go with the welcome of optimism. I thank it for the smiles, I forgot I had.

I walked alone in silence
Tears fell in dust
Seen by no one to feel
I tired the spirit within.

A cold breeze touch within
As to speak of some love
Telling me stories of hope
To explore the smiles around.

It took me to expedition of life
Feeling talents I lost long
I read, I wrote, I conquered
Clicking to glory the world.

I smiled, I laughed and I loved
Making companions I knew not
Feeling love to anyone tired
Lifting spirits of one down.

I conquer love, I conquer life
I dream of what lies ahead
So much to see, so less time
I run ahead to have it all.

My eyes taste, hand feel mist
Warmth and emotions I lost fast
I become good, I feel good
As I thank winters for the smile.

Also Prompted @3WW, OSI, Sunday Scribblings, Inspiration Monday, Thursday Poets’ Rally, Theme Thursday, Poets United, Weekend Wordsmith.

Thank You Noble for this wonderful idea to write,  as it made me think so much , and made me end up with a post which makes me feel glad that I wrote 🙂

Rare Love

 “You look like a strict clown here, couldn’t you have smiled in your wedding pictures?”
“On the stage, when I was shitting in my pants?”

” It was just your wedding, for Christ’s sake”
“Yes yes, i was being sacrificed for life”

“Very funny”
“Not at all. We got married seriously. Shit”

“ Now you have no option. You have to wake up everyday seeing my silly face”
“That sounds cute actually”

“Cute as hell right?”
“Not less horrific now, compared to the kind it will be when you get the wrickled face one day. I am scared thinking of it only”(makes horrific face)

” I will look the same always, get it? ” (popping eyeballs)
“You can promise? or you getting botox? I don’t have that much money, girl”

“Grrrrrr…Nope. I wouldn’t change internally, you see?”
“Good, now get me a coffee”

“I can see you have already changed”
“I am a guy”

“So?”
“We have an inborn right to change”

(smirks)
“Don’t give me that look or I will catch you”

“Why? Your heart missed a beat?”*(winks)
“Very filmy”

“Very serious”
“Me? never.I am just a stale catching guy” (smirks)

“You already caught me, when stupid cupid caught you, remember?”
“Not that catching, stupid, the other one”  (wicked smile)

“Stay off me, or you are so dead”
“Noppppe, now I have a legal right too”

“Excuse me?”
“Your mom excuses wouldn’t work, I can kiss you in front of her too”

(Eyes wide open)
“Don’t pretend you don’t notice such looks and heard my words. I can do, after all,  I am her pampered son-in-law, darling”

“Stay away” ( runs away)
“How far can you run in one room?”

“Mummmmmmy”( cute fake crying)
(Catching her stole from behind to hug her and whisper)

“What?”
“Yes, my inborn children’s mom”

(sighs)
Mwaaaah

“I can’t help but  love you, my stupid husband”
“I love you, my silly wife”

Two individuals, two lives,
Bubbling with new found love,
In the vitality of existence,
To seek meaning together.

Desires are new,
But dreams old,
They plan to fulfil,
Together like a fairytale.

X- box, or a Louis Vuitton,
Leather, or feathers,
Sports or movies,
Variety and yet spice.

Resting in each other arms,
They kiss some, they fight some
They love some, they cry some
Yet they stay as mine for all.

It was fresh love, all said
Staleness will make it hard
You will cry and dispiced
When look fury sights.

They grew up old together
Tarnishing all claims,
Cradling one chair,
Still kissing to fame.

Embracing the feel,
Even in crackled bones,
They define true love,
Found just in true souls.

I wish everyone reading this post,

HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY

Today, make a promise to yourself,

To love yourself the most and be your valentine first before loving anyone else.

And also promise to follow this rule 365 days of the year and see how life changes for best.

Love yourself, pamper yourself, smile crazily, stay happy and be forever blessed. 

 Also Prompted @Inspiration Monday, OSI, Sunday Scribblings, Poets Pantry, Weekend Wordsmith, Theme Thursday.

Note* :  That dialogue which was initially to be used was-  “Why? Kuch Kuch hoya” , but since the blog is read by not just South Asian audience , I changed it. For South Asian people, I know it appealed and resonated more with the filmy dialogue later and surely make more sense now for you people. For everyone, kuch kuch hoya means same as heart skipping a beat but it is used in reference to a Indian movie- Kuch Kuch Hota Hai which also mean something something happens in heart (stupidly translated). Click this to know more of the reference.

P.S :This is one of the rare posts whose conversations I wrote in mind while still waking up and realized later it could have been the conversation a close friend of mine would have had with her husband post marriage as we all asked her post marriage, he could have atleast smiled. So, dedicated to you too Munza 😉

P.S.S. It would have been two years today for my blog had I stuck to the older one. But since I imported all posts, Happy Birthday, my baby blog ( It’s almost four years since I first started blogging though but I took a long break in between so that doesn’t count ;-)) 🙂

Happy December

So finally the year ends. The only good thing about this year was December ( And offcourse my Nephew :D). Aftermath of lot of retrospect thoughts and certain days dedicated to myself was that I emerged stronger, happier and a better person. I started focusing on reading lot of my academic book and finally realized I can indeed write a good researched thesis. I was not really happy with my topic for a long time as the subject I was interested in was rejected due to ulterior motives of few people and it was something I was passionate for. But then I realized I can work well with the topic I have and link it to the other work in the long run. So in short I am starting to love my work and falling in love with it. And that’s sign of a excellent end product. Because when I love something I end up with the best 🙂

I have been a bundle of negativity and loads of sob stories in the whole year. And finally decided to thrash it all away. I started focusing on getting myself fit. Meditation and cardiac excercises helped me lose weight and made my day happier. I studied with a fresh mind. Read books I love, watch movies when low, loved watching my cookery shows and actually got to have healthy discussions  of work with my sibling (not just fights :P). In short, I fell in love with my myself all over again.

I realized I have some amazing friends I should be thankful for. Friends I can call at anytime of day and they listen, friends who make me smile always, friends who stand like pillars and friends who love me inspite of all my sadness. Friends who are beautiful part of my life and make me enjoy it all the time. I made some new friends, got closer some old friends, regained the spark with my bestest friend and got to know some real good people. I was thankful, I had deleted certain friends off my life who was blot on the word called ‘ friendship’. My parents were learning to see me as a responsible adult. My brother was gaining trust in my abilities. And my relationships with myself was happy and I didn’t needed a jerk for that. In short, life was becoming happier by making relationships and friendships in my life so very stable.

I started believing in my dreams and my abilities. I believed happiness is right across the door and I can reach the zenith of my dreams to make everyone proud. I can end up fulfilling my parents dreams, my brother dreams as well my dreams if I just believe. And God still loves me, so my knight will surely come when I least expect and he will be someone my family will smile to give my hand to :). In short, dreams make me and I don’t mind dreaming all the time as that is just so ME.

And how can I forget, December brought this beautiful forgiveness feeling. I plan to write a last post of this year today about it. Its about forgiving all who made me bitter over the years- my exes, my ex best friends, my brother (sometimes), my sister in law, everyone who hurts and everyone who couldn’t see the real me. I pity the one who couldn’t see the real me and I seek forgiveness for ones I hurt. In short I forgive all and I forgive myself. I forgive myself for the regrets and mistakes because had they not happened, life wouldn’t be the way it is and I wouldn’t be the person I am. I believe the almighty has something beyond perfect in store for me to test me for rather too long. And 2012 is the gift he is giving me to see a glimpse of all the happiness. I know I am expecting a lot but I am not, I am just believing in the year which has my birth date included in it 🙂

Also I moved blogs, turned bit anonymous and all that led to unleashing my creative streak. My muse is back and I have not blogged the whole year as much I did in this one month and I simply loved it. I love the wordpress platform and my template , it gives such a warm home feeling. I might have lost lot of my followers but got to read a lot of good stuff and follow some amazing writers. Thanks to all friends who stuck to me in this change and all the new followers I gained. I love you all.

Beautiful smiles awaited
As December came along
I smiled to welcome
A month of freshness.

I loved the smell
I loved the cold
I loved the books
I love the myself.

I deleted bitterness
I emptied negativity
I forgive who hurts
I forgive me for hurting.

I believed in dreams
I believed in life
I believed in love
I believed in new year.

I would like to thank Purvi  for giving me an award. I cherish it a lot 🙂 . It encouraged me to write a lot more having received the appreciation. Sorry for being late in this post.

7 Random things about me :-

1. I day dream a lot and actually converse a lot in those dreams right from childhood. Some of those imaginative conversations find way into my writings as well.
2. I went completely bald twice in my pre-teens- in 6th and 7th standard.
3. I am crazy about chocolates and actually stole and hid one swiss chocolate when my share got over as a child. Though it was found later by bro but he still teases me about it 😛
4. I started writing poems more seriously as a result of a major crush on a classmate in college.
5. My first crush lasted around 5 years. Even more than any of my relationships :P. And I gained back touch with him via social networking after 10 years. ( Though he still doesn’t know about my crush)
6. I way too sensitive and caring when it comes to relationships with friends, family and people I love. I am a strong personality and come across as arrogant or cold by few people but its some people I am closest to who can only see my weak side. I have had my trust broken a lot and yet I can’t help but trusting people and get attached too much rather soon.
7. I have grown up with cats and absolutely love them and want to own one someday.

Here are the rules for the Versatile Blogger Award:

1. Nominate 10-15 fellow bloggers (you’ll find my list at the end)
2. Inform the bloggers of their nomination
3. Share 7 random things about yourself
4. Thank the blogger who nominated you
5. Add the Versatile Blogger Award Pic on your blog post.

I Nominate :-

1. Meethi Mirchi– An awesome friend and an amazing haiku writer 😀
2. Lady Nimue– A very special friend who I own a lot of poetry learning to 😀
3. Yogesh– A amazing writer, A great cook and an fantastic friend 😀
4. Tbg – He is the greatest blessing I got in form of friend this year. Word fall short to tell what a great support he is. I nominate you so you blog in 2012 😀
5. Ms. R.– My twin, My best friend here and an awesome writer 🙂
6. Nil– She is one genuis writer I love totally:)
7. Poohi– The girl with the cutest smile and awesome writing style. I Looove her and her poems 🙂
8. Sulagna– An awesome friend, a great wife and even greater mother. I love her and her blog beyond words:D
9. Blahblaholic– One of the most cutest girl I know and writes amazing stuff too 🙂
10. WJ– She is a sweetheart and an awesome photographer. I absolutely love her and all what she writes 🙂
11. Raaji– She writes magical. I get lost in a different world whenever I read her 🙂
12. Uncle Jack– His experiences in life are such that each time I read him I learn a lot and to add it all he is such a great human that I am proud to know him:)
13. Suruchi– Ms Gorgeous who has been with me in my best and worse times. She has a way with words and she just makes me smile with it always 🙂
14. Kellie Elmore– An amazing writer I discovered recently . She makes me fall in love with words she writes always:)

Keep Smiling. Be happy. Be blessed 🙂

 

Written as part of The Month of the Year Challenge-Season 2

Also Prompted @Weekend Wordsmith