I don’t even know if I know what it is properly. Maybe because whenever I have felt something which was not requited I called it infatuation. My first crush lasted I guess five years. It got over when I thought I was in love. But today I think he wasn’t love but was my first muse. Back in those days, I studied literature, and absolutely loathed studying poetry but then this guy walks in with those greek God looks and I started to scribble. I hardly have much memory, but I know, I had lonely nights where I just wrote and in the college I roamed here and there to catch a glimpse of him. I think I even changed chairs in my class once to sit near him. And maybe even smiled when he took my notes or said thanks. Man, those were the days. That was the closest I could get to love then. And I benefitted. Few of my poems were published and I found a talent I never knew existed. Also, I got a taste of love that isn’t mine.
Then, came another one, I crushed on. I think everyone but me knew I was infatuated. And somehow he never liked it. He almost scrapped my heart out. It was terrible. Yearnings I came to know then. But he marked his memory forever. For he was also my first kiss. A very beautiful one. My heart desired more and I messed up the friendship. And we became strangers. But then somehow things happen for the best. For if he had never happened, I would not have met someone who I cannot define.
I called him the friend first. Then a best friend, then my first love and ultimately my soul mate. But I am talking of unrequited love right, so how can we talk of lovers ? Well, sometimes lovers teach a bit too much about it. He taught me love, strength, patience and lot many things. But more than anything he taught me that kind of selfless love where we are fine with them not loving us our way. That is unrequited love too in a way. It took a great deal for my heart to make that person my greatest weakness, and it took a lot of strength to make him accept his love for me. But I won. Love won. Just that destiny failed us. And ever since, he stays as the greatest love story of my life till date. We maintain the fallacy of friendship but still cannot talk about our lovers. My heart skips a beat when I see his picture. I have moved on, maybe. But he is still that piece of my heart that still feels the same. I never could gather the courage to meet him again. For if I did, love might come flooding back and destroy me.
Of late, I relish in the idea of unrequited love more than going and expressing it. Maybe being in love scares me. I infatuate, I cherish people I like. I write about all muses I meet. But I don’t seek a story. I like to yearn, I like to feel it from afar. And then when I take a step, someone just destroys me. Someone just did that. I was on a step to love and they stepped far and cut me off their life. I was hurt. But more than anything I was taken aback at the coldness which humans have now. They express all their love till we are ready. And then. Maybe, that is just me. Maybe, it is the expectations of the heart which want more. But then I love and hence I feel and so I write.
Somehow, life has taken hold of me. I don’t really care or love that hard. Infact, it doesn’t matter. I have a hard time to trust. I somehow wonder if love is even for me. For all my life, I loved more than I got and I just lost the patience. Or maybe because I showered all my love to that one person that now I just cannot give. I can give from far, like unrequited love. But when I receive, I question it.
Maybe that is one reason, my muse is just that for a long time. When I first met him. I knew we could write a tale together. I longed to touch the cervices of his scars and tell him I can heal. Below the moonlight night, when he sang, I wanted to quieten his pain. When we shared coffee, and he talked of his dreams, I wished I could live them with him. And now when he talks of loneliness, I wish to sit aside and listen. But alas, I can’t even embrace him or hold his hand. Kiss would be too much. It is not like I cannot. I fear, I have lost the capability to love, and would loose that feeling if I get the ‘ one’. Maybe, I am just too used to unrequited love to ever be able to relish mutual love.
That is just me. I loose feeling the love when people show too much of it to me. Maybe I like challenges even in love. But I still believe. Because only love is what can make a happy destiny. I believe someday that shield from my heart will go and I will love with all my vulnerabilities. But what hurts is, till that right one comes along, lot of players might attempt to bruise my tattered heart. I do not really allow it now. But we have our weak moments, where we just want a caring hand. Maybe, age is catching on me. And I detest loneliness. I am vulnerable and yet shielded. And it is scary to think that in that double protection game I will attract only the wrongs and repel the right. For I distrust all humans now. For what some evil ones did.
I am made for loving. Maybe even unrequited. I am made for longing and spilling it out on paper. I am made for lonely poetic nights and cold tears. I am made for lot of things. But I still believe.
I believe there is reality beyond unrequited love for everyone.
P.S. I wrote this as a guest post for Archana’s blog long time back. Long I wrote anything so thought will update my readers with this for it has been a while.
P.S.S. Too much this heart and mind has stuffed inside and somehow I am unable to write it and spill. As a result the person that is me is suffering. I updated my blog in the hope that maybe I get inspired to write. Even if few words. I want to. Someday I will.