Unrequited Love

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I don’t even know if I know what it is properly. Maybe because whenever I have felt something which was not requited I called it infatuation. My first crush lasted I guess five years. It got over when I thought I was in love. But today I think he wasn’t love but was my first muse. Back in those days, I studied literature, and absolutely loathed studying poetry but then this guy walks in with those greek God looks and I started to scribble. I hardly have much memory, but I know, I had lonely nights where I just wrote and in the college I roamed here and there to catch a glimpse of him. I think I even changed chairs in my class once to sit near him. And maybe even smiled when he took my notes or said thanks. Man, those were the days. That was the closest I could get to love then. And I benefitted. Few of my poems were published and I found a talent I never knew existed. Also, I got a taste of love that isn’t mine.

Then, came another one, I crushed on. I think everyone but me knew I was infatuated. And somehow he never liked it. He almost scrapped my heart out. It was terrible. Yearnings I came to know then. But he marked his memory forever. For he was also my first kiss. A very beautiful one. My heart desired more and I messed up the friendship. And we became strangers. But then somehow things happen for the best. For if he had never happened, I would not have met someone who I cannot define.

I called him the friend first. Then a best friend, then my first love and ultimately my soul mate. But I am talking of unrequited love right, so how can we talk of lovers ? Well, sometimes lovers teach a bit too much about it. He taught me love, strength, patience and lot many things. But more than anything he taught me that kind of selfless love where we are fine with them not loving us our way. That is unrequited love too in a way. It took a great deal for my heart to make that person my greatest weakness, and it took a lot of strength to make him accept his love for me. But I won. Love won. Just that destiny failed us. And ever since, he stays as the greatest love story of my life till date. We maintain the fallacy of friendship but still cannot talk about our lovers. My heart skips a beat when I see his picture. I have moved on, maybe. But he is still that piece of my heart that still feels the same. I never could gather the courage to meet him again. For if I did, love might come flooding back and destroy me.

Of late, I relish in the idea of unrequited love more than going and expressing it. Maybe being in love scares me. I infatuate, I cherish people I like. I write about all muses I meet. But I don’t seek a story. I like to yearn, I like to feel it from afar. And then when I take a step, someone just destroys me. Someone just did that. I was on a step to love and they stepped far and cut me off their life. I was hurt. But more than anything I was taken aback at the coldness which humans have now. They express all their love till we are ready. And then. Maybe, that is just me. Maybe, it is the expectations of the heart which want more. But then I love and hence I feel and so I write.

Somehow, life has taken hold of me. I don’t really care or love that hard. Infact, it doesn’t matter. I have a hard time to trust. I somehow wonder if love is even for me. For all my life, I loved more than I got and I just lost the patience. Or maybe because I showered all my love to that one person that now I just cannot give. I can give from far, like unrequited love. But when I receive, I question it.

Maybe that is one reason, my muse is just that for a long time. When I first met him. I knew we could write a tale together. I longed to touch the cervices of his scars and tell him I can heal. Below the moonlight night, when he sang, I wanted to quieten his pain. When we shared coffee, and he talked of his dreams, I wished I could live them with him. And now when he talks of loneliness, I wish to sit aside and listen. But alas, I can’t even embrace him or hold his hand. Kiss would be too much. It is not like I cannot. I fear, I have lost the capability to love, and would loose that feeling if I get the ‘ one’. Maybe, I am just too used to unrequited love to ever be able to relish mutual love.

That is just me.  I loose feeling the love when people show too much of it to me. Maybe I like challenges even in love. But I still believe. Because only love is what can make a happy destiny. I believe someday that shield from my heart will go and I will love with all my vulnerabilities. But what hurts is, till that right one comes along, lot of players might attempt to bruise my tattered heart. I do not really allow it now. But we have our weak moments, where we just want a caring hand. Maybe, age is catching on me. And I detest loneliness. I am vulnerable and yet shielded. And it is scary to think that in that double protection game I will attract only the wrongs and repel the right. For I distrust all humans now. For what some evil ones did.

I am made for loving. Maybe even unrequited. I am made for longing and spilling it out on paper. I am made for lonely poetic nights and cold tears. I am made for lot of things. But I still believe.

I believe there is reality beyond unrequited love for everyone.

P.S. I wrote this as a guest post for Archana’s blog long time back. Long I wrote anything so thought will update my readers with this for it has been a while.

P.S.S. Too much this heart and mind has stuffed inside and somehow I am unable to write it and spill. As a result the person that is me is suffering. I updated my blog in the hope that maybe I get inspired to write. Even if few words. I want to. Someday I will.


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The Thing Called Love


One of those not ‘feeling good’ day I am having and I thought maybe writing will help me little bits. What is bothering me no one knows and maybe even I don’t but whatever it must be I hope it dies soon. Just the kind of day I want to cry or maybe even howl but I cannot. Kind of day where I want to snap out at everyone and without reason.

Somehow since I came back to blogging after a gap I forget all the rules of the game. I am no more particular of what I write. I hardly visit much blogs (of which I am sorry), hardly use my favorite prompt sites, and it doesn’t bother much if I am losing my readership base. Maybe this place has become my personal diary where I just have to take out and things make sense. One of the advantages of being semi anonymous I guess.

Now back to the problem. Life is little bit mess right but I know it will be fine once vacation ends and the same hectic schedule starts. But I become too much of an overthinker till then. And even worse when things go sane. Last month was in many mess, health wise mostly. Also, stopped being the nice one. Yet, I felt sane. And now when life is again better, I feel crap. Mended some old bonds and I am glad. Maybe I should not have. Caring brings the worse in me. But I need it. For my mental peace too. Also, after a brief moment, my muse disappointed me once again. And I let it die a silent death. Doesn’t mean he will never make a comeback. He will be around. Just. Maybe because I dreamed of his coldness last night that I am much more messed.

Someone, once destroyed me for love. And thereafter I only made mistakes. Hurt people, got hurt, became a cold persona. Stopped feeling. Became too selfish for anyone to know. Then muse came and I saw hope. He didn’t do anything new now. But I realised let’s not have a story. For I am poles apart from what I was. I just lost the ability to love and patience for it. I might want a companion, but according to my whims and fancies, and that is not how it works.

This doesn’t mean I stopped having fun. I share a smile, sometimes a coffee. I flirt around. I like being crushed upon. But that is it. Last time I went ahead and formed a relationship, I damaged him and never cared. I became so cold that I had no morose of it ending. This wasn’t me. But alas it is.

You must be thinking a believer like me saying all this. Yes, I believe. The mushy stuff I write makes me hope. Or maybe I love my dreams. It is these imaginations which make me happy after a bad day. Fairytales aren’t for me, but I still delve in them for they are my happy quotient. I still hope I be proved wrong. But life is beyond those words and hopes. Love is much beyond those kisses and embrace. It is also about tears, separations and hurtful words. It has ability to thrash us so hard that we never pick up our pieces. I am still picking mine. I do want a happy ending, but maybe without love. But living loveless is not how God made a person like me. He filled in too much feelings in me. He made for me poetry, to feel it in the misery. He made me to give it all, and yet be happy with it. One part of it died long ago. Then I discovered the other. I relish my tales, my mush, my movie kind of imaginations. But these are things that sell. Not kind that happen to us, writers. We end up alone at times. Dying with a book in one hand and ink spilled pages in another.

Too much pessimism happened right ? What to do. Sometimes smiles refuse to reach my lips. Forget eyes. In attempt to make other laugh, I lost mine maybe. Or maybe I got tired of doing things and giving all what others’ need. Maybe I do need a kind word once a while. Or be pampered with all love they have. Sometimes it is important to express, and sometimes its important to feel what others have for you. Sometimes all we want, is to hold hand with someone and just watch the sky at night. But even that is scary now. For then we expect and then it pains.

Once I never cared if it hurts, I was overflowing with love. Even if he berated me, I found an excuse for that and I was often true. For, he did fell in love. Just never knew how to show and was scared if he did it will hurt more. But he forgot, that is all I had to take away when he left. Maybe he was right, because inspite of showing less, I am a bundle of his memories. For he took my soul away, and one night told me, he felt that his soul left to enter mine. And that is still my most cherish memory. We were two souls, fighting a distance, having a silly lover’s conversation post midnight on the phone and a moment changed it all. I felt a white invisible angelic force embracing me and so he did. And thereafter, I called him the soul mate. But then, it is said, soul mates never meet, for they are not meant for mundane tasks. But I never want to settle for anything less than that. But irony is no two loves are same. I might love again but not similarly. And I still hope, I still search, maybe I do have some ending. Some closure. He does the same. Even now. We still communicate in distress. But know our realities.

Some people say, we can have many soul mates. Some even call them best friends. I still wish I have not exhausted my quota. Maybe I should steal one from the heavens. But all I know is my quota for hurt is way overflowing and if I do feel once again and it goes dramatically wrong, I will be done with even hope. And that is one reason I have stopped feeling too, even if the other showers all the love. For I am wary of humans. I don’t want to be an object to be played upon anymore and I wouldn’t be. It will take too much patience for anyone to make me believe in their feelings. I just don’t hope. But if they can make me believe and crack my shield, I am sure they will be worth it. Only a messiah can heal. Only he can make me believe. And make it known that beautiful love is worth it. I hope he exists. Till then, I console my heart to be thankful that atleast he has known love.

I wish, I believe, I hope……love still exists….for me.

P.S. I have too much building inside and I didn’t even said half of it today. Maybe some other day. So be prepared for more such introspective rants when my mood goes disgruntled.

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Goodbye 2013


Hello people, as we say goodbye to 2013, I realised I needed a closure post. An introspectic one and a thankful one. To see what I learned and what I earned. I wanted to just say goodbye to all part and welcome 2014 with a smile. Seriously 2014 I seek lot of nice things from you. So this is what all this year gave as well as taught me:-

Givings of 2013:-

1. If you work double hard, you defend your thesis indeed very well.  And hence will learn the art to manage stage frights and presentations anxiety.

2. Got a Ph.D. degree awarded. Hence, got Dr. sufficed to my name. And it indeed is a wonderful feeling.

3. Gave academic interviews for the first time and each one taught me how to do better than the last one.

4. Became part of a poetry club and hence decided to do something about my love for literature. In the process, learned to give recitations confidently in front of 20-30 people. I love you PACH. Seriously I do. Thanks to you guys I write so much now. Also, wrote 31 poems in 31 days.

Learnings of 2013:-

5. Learned to get over obsessions for certain people.

6. Learned that there are certain people who truly love me.

7. Learned to meet new people, let myself free and in between make new friends.

8. Its okay to have infatuations and use it to unleash your creativity. Mulling over something lost only hurt us and never helps.

9. Sometimes its not important to be friends to have good conversations and good memories. And some acquaintances are there just for a memory and then you say goodbye.

10. Some best friends are for life. They might get married, lose touch and yet will forever value you and be there for you always.

11. Learn to let go people who forces you to love them but never love you back

12. At the end of the day, never ignore parents. They are the only way who are there for you all the time

13. At the end of the day, you are all alone. So learn how to manage loneliness with a smile too.

14. Love yourself. Give time to things you love doing. Also, always have time for a cup of coffee with friends.

15. Never judge anyone. Met new people. You never know when a new friend is round the corner.

16. Listen to good music. Watch great movies. Dance like you flying. Read and write. Just love yourself.

17. Nothing like a baby’s love. Just nothing.

18. Happiness of a birthday surprise post birthday even on a video call is beyond words. For family is special.

19. Be open to love always. You never know when it happens.

20. If your conscious say so, you are right. People are jealous. They might say things. You might do things but if you hurt no one, its okay. No one is born as a sinner or dies as  a saint.

21. Be ready to apologize if you are wrong. A ‘sorry’ is all that is needed at times to mend bridges.

22. Past is past, let it go. Give yourself chance to make new memories. They try to haunt you for they hurt you. You loved them for the person they were back then. You can never love a person like them now. Smile at it and just be happy, it made you the strong individual you are now. You have learned the art to say ‘No’. And always use that word when needed.

23. Sometimes people are just interested in the flesh and not the person. Its okay to have desires for them. So learn to stay aside if you like them for more than that.

24. Stand by your passions and ambitions. They will take you places one day.

25. Never let someone overstep you and use you as a mat. If they hurt you, just give them a piece of your mind.

26. Not everyone worth doing things for.

27. Have fun. Laugh hard. Love madly. Make good friends. Travel. Write. Photograph and life will be good.

28. Work hard and your fate will smile on you.

29.  Just be a little patient and be positive. You never know.

30. At the end of the day, life is good. Value it and take it with a smile for all the precious things it has given you.

I wish all you readers an awesome 2014. I know it is gonna be life changing for me and I wish it is just perfect for you all 🙂

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HAPPY NEW YEAR 2014 to you all.

Live. Love. Laugh 🙂



O how I miss writing. This december something has been missing and today I realised it was month of the year challenge. It was that challenge that made me introspect for past two years. Also, it made me directly talk to my readers and not just give them my creative pieces. I had somehow started liking that random thoughts kind of writing. It made me feel lose and just come face to face with the year that was. The challenge might happen in January according to my friend. But then I might be little bit busy to do justice to it.

But what I miss most is the compulsion to write for I wanted to. Professional things have kept me little bit busy and hence I have been so off social media and stuff that I just don’t write. Also, due to space constraints on the phone haven’t been able to use wordpress there. Sigh I miss it all. Also, I miss my poetry club which I haven’t attended for long.

Somehow I have come to term with facts that if friends don’t value you much, you should not be the first to do the efforts always. And alas, it made me sans friends. I know there are still few I can rely on. Just miss that always in touch kind of friends. Guess its life. But then maybe once the work thing starts I might be too busy to realize that. I have just stop being the caring and all giving kind of friend. People want me to give them all the priority and love and when I expect, well my priority in their life is last. So now I just don’t try. With some very special friends I still try because they do try and only I went busy but with others after many tries I have realized just not worth making fool of myself by showing them to be special and in the end become a buffoon. Sigh I just can’t understand people. I need new people in my life. Till then, family and work keeps me busy.

I met my ex-roomie after long and it was so nice. She is one girl I have always been glad to know. And its awesome I can say that for long because marriage hasn’t changed her but made it more fun as I have been friends with her hubby too before they got married. I plan to meet her more now on. Need to treasure those who value you.  She is one who has always encouraged my poetry and I love her for that.

Otherwise life is a mess. Just nothing working out. Times are tiring. And the hopeless romantic in me misses having a muse. Its funny how as we grow up we become calculated on who to have crush on too for its no longer about flings. But more than crush, I miss that one best friend I can call always as  luckily most of my crushes have been my best friends. Even ex for that matter.

Too many random thoughts this post has for my mind has just too much for the sheer lack of writing. Guess should write more so I feel more sane.

Hope you all doing good.

Hope the self afflicted kind of writer’s block ends soon and I give you all something wonderful to read.

Till then,

Love and spread love 🙂

P.S. Its winters and I love the season 🙂