Love

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Hello everyone,

Life have been just very hectic and I had to let go off #OctPoWriMo in the last days. But its unfair I couldn’t complete it so I thought even if late let me just finish it today for it was something I took to challenge myself :).

So here to the last three days ūüôā

Day 29

Love that was mad, I say
Consuming all that was me
Blissfully unaware of all
I lived in it madly each day.

Taught what nothing else could
Breathed in it, what others wanted
Heaven was his embrace, all together
Left me in shackles, to strengthen.

Seeking that love, in infatuations today
Gratitude I carry, for it did happen
Prayers for little bit more of it today
Even if less, but consuming I want still.

Day 30

On the day before, he decided to leave
I knew this was it, even if he didn’t
Taken aback was I, by lot of what he said
Shaken, yet I stood still, that moment.

Last night I call it, for what was ¬†‘us’
For what remained was, you and I later,
Yearnings and hurts sparkled in tears
A long darkness I saw later, but I lived.

Never forgotten,what the day before was,
Decisions I stuck to, for long even afters,
Today I feel the peace within, with bruises,
For today, my heart still knows, pure love.

Day 31

Writing whatever the heart felt,
In verses, in brief, in elongated terms,
I smile at the poetry, the month gave to me,
Almost missed the challenge, yet I wrote.

Scarcity of time, loads of work that brain had
Yet, peace was found, when I sat to write
A journey, to find, what I was loosing within,
Words, that were my love, were found somehow.

Experience, of joys, and pains, but still worthwhile
All penned, and shared, flowing out in the world,
Feeling, I didn’t know, were waving out to me
And today I smile, for somehow I lived to my promise.

Written as part of OctPoWriMo Writing Prompt Day 29: For All the Loves You’ve Loved Before , Day 30: The Day Before… ,¬†Day 31: Poetry Writing Challenges

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P.S. : This is for Morgan Dragonwillow¬†¬†for she pushed me to take up this challenge inspite of a busy schedule. Though I left in last few days, I am completing it still for myself ūüôā

Unrequited Love

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I don’t even know if I know what it is properly. Maybe because whenever I have felt something which was not requited I called it infatuation. My first crush lasted I guess five years. It got over when I thought I was in love. But today I think he wasn’t love but was my first muse. Back in those days, I studied literature, and absolutely loathed studying poetry but then this guy walks in with those greek God looks and I started to scribble. I hardly have much memory, but I know, I had lonely nights where I just wrote and in the college I roamed here and there to catch a glimpse of him. I think I even changed chairs in my class once to sit near him. And maybe even smiled when he took my notes or said thanks. Man, those were the days. That was the closest I could get to love then. And I benefitted. Few of my poems were published and I found a talent I never knew existed. Also, I got a taste of love that isn’t mine.

Then, came another one, I crushed on. I think everyone but me knew I was infatuated. And somehow he never liked it. He almost scrapped my heart out. It was terrible. Yearnings I came to know then. But he marked his memory forever. For he was also my first kiss. A very beautiful one. My heart desired more and I messed up the friendship. And we became strangers. But then somehow things happen for the best. For if he had never happened, I would not have met someone who I cannot define.

I called him the friend first. Then a best friend, then my first love and ultimately my soul mate. But I am talking of unrequited love right, so how can we talk of lovers ? Well, sometimes lovers teach a bit too much about it. He taught me love, strength, patience and lot many things. But more than anything he taught me that kind of selfless love where we are fine with them not loving us our way. That is unrequited love too in a way. It took a great deal for my heart to make that person my greatest weakness, and it took a lot of strength to make him accept his love for me. But I won. Love won. Just that destiny failed us. And ever since, he stays as the greatest love story of my life till date. We maintain the fallacy of friendship but still cannot talk about our lovers. My heart skips a beat when I see his picture. I have moved on, maybe. But he is still that piece of my heart that still feels the same. I never could gather the courage to meet him again. For if I did, love might come flooding back and destroy me.

Of late, I relish in the idea of unrequited love more than going and expressing it. Maybe being in love scares me. I infatuate, I cherish people I like. I write about all muses I meet. But I don’t seek a story. I like to yearn, I like to feel it from afar. And then when I take a step, someone just destroys me. Someone just did that. I was on a step to love and they stepped far and cut me off their life. I was hurt. But more than anything I was taken aback at the coldness which humans have now. They express all their love till we are ready. And then. Maybe, that is just me. Maybe, it is the expectations of the heart which want more. But then I love and hence I feel and so I write.

Somehow, life has taken hold of me. I don’t really care or love that hard. Infact, it doesn’t matter. I have a hard time to trust. I somehow wonder if love is even for me. For all my life, I loved more than I got and I just lost the patience. Or maybe because I showered all my love to that one person that now I just cannot give. I can give from far, like unrequited love. But when I receive, I question it.

Maybe that is one reason, my muse is just that for a long time. When I first met him. I knew we could write a tale together. I longed to touch the cervices of his scars and tell him I can heal. Below the moonlight night, when he sang, I wanted to quieten his pain. When we shared coffee, and he talked of his dreams, I wished I could live them with him. And now when he talks of loneliness, I wish to sit aside and listen. But alas, I can’t even embrace him or hold his hand. Kiss would be too much. It is not like I cannot. I fear, I have lost the capability to love, and would loose that feeling if I get the ‘¬†one’. Maybe, I am just too used to unrequited love to ever be able to relish mutual love.

That is just me.  I loose feeling the love when people show too much of it to me. Maybe I like challenges even in love. But I still believe. Because only love is what can make a happy destiny. I believe someday that shield from my heart will go and I will love with all my vulnerabilities. But what hurts is, till that right one comes along, lot of players might attempt to bruise my tattered heart. I do not really allow it now. But we have our weak moments, where we just want a caring hand. Maybe, age is catching on me. And I detest loneliness. I am vulnerable and yet shielded. And it is scary to think that in that double protection game I will attract only the wrongs and repel the right. For I distrust all humans now. For what some evil ones did.

I am made for loving. Maybe even unrequited. I am made for longing and spilling it out on paper. I am made for lonely poetic nights and cold tears. I am made for lot of things. But I still believe.

I believe there is reality beyond unrequited love for everyone.

P.S. I wrote this as a guest post for Archana’s blog¬†long time back.¬†Long I wrote anything so thought will update my readers with this for it has been a while.

P.S.S. Too much this heart and mind has stuffed inside and somehow I am unable to write it and spill. As a result the person that is me is suffering. I updated my blog in the hope that maybe I get inspired to write. Even if few words. I want to. Someday I will.

 

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The Thing Called Love

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One of those not ‘feeling good’ day I am having and I thought maybe writing will help me little bits. What is bothering me no one knows and maybe even I don’t but whatever it must be I hope it dies soon. Just the kind of day I want to cry or maybe even howl but I cannot. Kind of day where I want to snap out at everyone and without reason.

Somehow since I came back to blogging after a gap I forget all the rules of the game. I am no more particular of what I write. I hardly visit much blogs (of which I am sorry), hardly use my favorite prompt sites, and it doesn’t bother much if I am losing my readership base. Maybe this place has become my personal diary where I just have to take out and things make sense. One of the advantages of being semi anonymous I guess.

Now back to the problem. Life is little bit mess right but I know it will be fine once vacation ends and the same hectic schedule starts. But I become too much of an overthinker till then. And even worse when things go sane. Last month was in many mess, health wise mostly. Also, stopped being the nice one. Yet, I felt sane. And now when life is again better, I feel crap. Mended some old bonds and I am glad. Maybe I should not have. Caring brings the worse in me. But I need it. For my mental peace too. Also, after a brief moment, my muse disappointed me once again. And I let it die a silent death. Doesn’t mean he will never make a comeback. He will be around. Just. Maybe because I dreamed of his coldness last night that I am much more messed.

Someone, once destroyed me for love. And thereafter I only made mistakes. Hurt people, got hurt, became a cold persona. Stopped feeling. Became too selfish for anyone to know. Then muse came and I saw hope. He didn’t do anything new now. But I realised let’s not have a story. For I am poles apart from what I was. I just lost the ability to love and patience for it. I might want a companion, but according to my whims and fancies, and that is not how it works.

This doesn’t mean I stopped having fun. I share a smile, sometimes a coffee. I flirt around. I like being crushed upon. But that is it. Last time I went ahead and formed a relationship, I damaged him and never cared. I became so cold that I had no morose of it ending. This wasn’t me. But alas it is.

You must be thinking a believer like me saying all this. Yes, I believe. The mushy stuff I write makes me hope. Or maybe I love my dreams. It is these imaginations which make me happy after a bad day. Fairytales aren’t for me, but I still delve in them for they are my happy quotient. I still hope I be proved wrong. But life is beyond those words and hopes. Love is much beyond those kisses and embrace. It is also about tears, separations and hurtful words. It has ability to thrash us so hard that we never pick up our pieces. I am still picking mine. I do want a happy ending, but maybe without love. But living loveless is not how God made a person like me. He filled in too much feelings in me. He made for me poetry, to feel it in the misery. He made me to give it all, and yet be happy with it. One part of it died long ago. Then I discovered the other. I relish my tales, my mush, my movie kind of imaginations. But these are things that sell. Not kind that happen to us, writers. We end up alone at times. Dying with a book in one hand and ink spilled pages in another.

Too much pessimism happened right ? What to do. Sometimes smiles refuse to reach my lips. Forget eyes. In attempt to make other laugh, I lost mine maybe. Or maybe I got tired of doing things and giving all what others’ need. Maybe I do need a kind word once a while. Or be pampered with all love they have. Sometimes it is important to express, and sometimes its important to feel what others have for you. Sometimes all we want, is to hold hand with someone and just watch the sky at night. But even that is scary now. For then we expect and then it pains.

Once I never cared if it hurts, I was overflowing with love. Even if he berated me, I found an excuse for that and I was often true. For, he did fell in love. Just never knew how to show and was scared if he did it will hurt more. But he forgot, that is all I had to take away when he left. Maybe he was right, because inspite of showing less, I am a bundle of his memories. For he took my soul away, and one night told me, he felt that his soul left to enter mine. And that is still my most cherish memory. We were two souls, fighting a distance, having a silly lover’s conversation post midnight on the phone and a moment changed it all. I felt a white invisible angelic force embracing me and so he did. And thereafter, I called him the soul mate. But then, it is said, soul mates never meet, for they are not meant for mundane tasks. But I never want to settle for anything less than that. But irony is no two loves are same. I might love again but not similarly. And I still hope, I still search, maybe I do have some ending. Some closure. He does the same. Even now. We still communicate in distress. But know our realities.

Some people say, we can have many soul mates. Some even call them best friends. I still wish I have not exhausted my quota. Maybe I should steal one from the heavens. But all I know is my quota for hurt is way overflowing and if I do feel once again and it goes dramatically wrong, I will be done with even hope. And that is one reason I have stopped feeling too, even if the other showers all the love. For I am wary of humans. I don’t want to be an object to be played upon anymore and I wouldn’t be. It will take too much patience for anyone to make me believe in their feelings. I just don’t hope. But if they can make me believe and crack my shield, I am sure they will be worth it. Only a messiah can heal. Only he can make me believe. And make it known that beautiful love is worth it. I hope he exists. Till then, I console my heart to be thankful that atleast he has known love.

I wish, I believe, I hope……love still exists….for me.

P.S. I have too much building inside and I didn’t even said half of it today. Maybe some other day. So be prepared for more such introspective rants when my mood goes disgruntled.

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Loved and Lost

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Tears don’t stop when we are overwhelmed
Expectations kills what was the beauty
Love we shared, misconstrued in between
And I just stood still, breaking into bits.

There was a beauty in the sunshine behind clouds,
I learned just to love when that is all I got
Yet, I knew relationships were much more than that
And a break in emotion was demanded, as I over did.

I wanted to fall in that wet grass and just scream
Feel the droplets of water, and disguise it as rain
I wanted to run away and just get mingled in the crowd
Today, I just despised love, for it was growing way deep.

Poetry was in the air, in the embrace of one’s I cared
I spoke lot more then anyone could ever feel in life
I conversed with mist in my eyes, and sweaty palms
I learned a lesson, in the new year, and parted ways.

Aloofness, defined me, when life was teaching me through stories
Misjudged the experience, and forgotten were all valuables
The wings were flying, ignoring the scars that bothered
Now I sit down, to clip them, once more in a lifetime.

I still say a silent prayers to invent a balm for sorrows
To just wipe all the hurt that the bruised heart feel again
To seek no talks, and just keep the sealed lips still
And wish, maybe I be that angel God conspired someday, for you.

Dependency is what love creates, for I want you to be mine
‘Only mine’ is the selfish variant I see, as I lay my eyes on you
Then I burn the fire of love within, for you have many around
And in that struggle to own, I lose what was even mine.

Slowly slowly I become a shadow of what was the one you knew
I vaporise, I diminish and then one day I am just a memory
I just wish, one day on my elegy you write what I desired
“Here lies the one who knew nothing but just love”.

Hidden Shadows

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Standing alone against a wall
I wonder of all the scares
Which I unleash on others
Who are not what I desire.

These are my shadows hidden
Behind those scared eyes often
For they reveal the unknown
Which even I not see.

I remember that one alone child
Which was stubborn beyond points
Tearing away the stole precious
With the teeth called own.

Calmed by no force large
Hidden behind closed locked doors
I often cried and threw havoc
Fits they were, of my darkness.

Scared at my side, still held
Dears of mine, gave love  no less
And with time, I learnt the art
In dance, I sweat all hidden angers.

Other innate pains started surfacing
As I experienced, what you call love
Possessive of him, yet trust I held
The jealous streak seen, in extremes.

I lost often in game of the dears
Learned the game of own, for moments
Specials made me lose my confidence 
As I try to win their hearts  most.

Broken hearts I have, even pained others
Let down expectations, and shattered promises
Fate taught me the lesson, when I had nothing
Days and nights I sought forgiveness to see some light.

Fake people I met, and learned rudeness
Saw the masks who often gave the love smiles
Crippled my soul, here and there, but I learn
For my voice I found, to show their black mirrors.

On my feet is not my destiny’s plan yet
But I now learn to live for the closest
Attachment is still my biggest weakness
But I share it more with paper, than humans.

Shadows still follow me where I go
Hurt the ones who heal me often
But learnt the art of grown ups
And trust I more, and love before shouts.

Written for the OctPoWriMo writing prompt Day 12: Shadows

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