Loved and Lost

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Tears don’t stop when we are overwhelmed
Expectations kills what was the beauty
Love we shared, misconstrued in between
And I just stood still, breaking into bits.

There was a beauty in the sunshine behind clouds,
I learned just to love when that is all I got
Yet, I knew relationships were much more than that
And a break in emotion was demanded, as I over did.

I wanted to fall in that wet grass and just scream
Feel the droplets of water, and disguise it as rain
I wanted to run away and just get mingled in the crowd
Today, I just despised love, for it was growing way deep.

Poetry was in the air, in the embrace of one’s I cared
I spoke lot more then anyone could ever feel in life
I conversed with mist in my eyes, and sweaty palms
I learned a lesson, in the new year, and parted ways.

Aloofness, defined me, when life was teaching me through stories
Misjudged the experience, and forgotten were all valuables
The wings were flying, ignoring the scars that bothered
Now I sit down, to clip them, once more in a lifetime.

I still say a silent prayers to invent a balm for sorrows
To just wipe all the hurt that the bruised heart feel again
To seek no talks, and just keep the sealed lips still
And wish, maybe I be that angel God conspired someday, for you.

Dependency is what love creates, for I want you to be mine
‘Only mine’ is the selfish variant I see, as I lay my eyes on you
Then I burn the fire of love within, for you have many around
And in that struggle to own, I lose what was even mine.

Slowly slowly I become a shadow of what was the one you knew
I vaporise, I diminish and then one day I am just a memory
I just wish, one day on my elegy you write what I desired
“Here lies the one who knew nothing but just love”.

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I Break, To Fly

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Smiles turn into sadness in moments
And I sit to wonder of all wrongs
For the path I took was always right
And somehow a wrong turn, I regret.

Some laughs and lots of smiles I fetch
Some true love I was seeing all along
Then a cold shoulder, and arrogant look
And I knew , maybe a wrong judge I was.

Then there was a hand who I was scared
Holding me, all along, it just smiled
Messed was my persona, It still waited
And I smiled, for world isn’t all bad.

Some arrogance, and some pride, infiltrated
For people not worth, even a single tear
They faked care, in times I sought it all
But illusions were they, is all I now know.

I was never the bad one, I just loved
And then I see a blackened image in mirror
I despice, other might even judge, to hate
But I realize there is no other way to live.

I break, and cry. I shout and give up.
Wrong are the paths, and even demons I meet
Maybe a new life is all that I today seek
Erasing all memories, wiping what hurts.

This heart choose to be free, from attachments
I held close for I felt that it was I which matter
But wrong was my views, wrong was all that was me
Today I crumble my past, to find a new myself.

A new beginning, where all that matter will be me
A new place, a new life, and most of all new people
Untraceable would be my steps , unless I choose to take you
For enough have I given heed and begged, now I just fly.

P.S.  This work might not make sense or not be creatively good  but I had to just take it out somewhere.

Lost Soul

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Trials and tribulations
Tears and Sorrows
I sat alone
In world mighty.

All I see
Is empty hands
With faltering steps
Seeking the undesired
In a bowl.

Passions lay tired
In the embrace
Of the unknown
I  seek light.

Derelict I see
In the mirror
An image unreal
Losing the sanity.

Cut and paste
Tests and errors
Life at standstill
Awaiting a masterpiece.

Medicate the self
To wipe dust
From destiny lines
Says the mind.

I apologize again
To the almighty
For sins lost
Seeking a miracle.

Less in hand
Wishes are large
Dreams I had
When I started.

Bow to thy
I once again
If not anything
Then grant smiles.

Also prompted @3WW, Inspiration MondayTheme Thursday, Sunday Scribblings and Poetry Pantry.

Best Friends

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Today I just had to spill it out. If not the ink, then the blood of emotions.  Everything on this page today, will smell of only you.  I don’t even want to sound lyrical, for it doesn’t matter what anyone read of it.  After three sleepless nights, three days of innumerable missed calls, three days of silence and three days of hurts, my heart finally gives up. I know I have often done it this year. Even spoiled my birthday somehow, for it hurts. People and their opinions rarely matter to me. But your opinions do. Always did. Even after two years of being extremely close friends ( many more years of being friends) , it really does.

I still remember that long mail when the disturbed me was pacified by you. You wanted to talk. But sharing numbers wasn’t my thing ever. And then time just went. I know you have managed my typo from the touch screen phone the most.  And I think you revived in me the ability of writing mails and mails. Long ones infact. And how I used to go and on whole day with my issues. And all that I needed was a call from you. And sigh. I think I have told you enough, but let me rephrase, the first time I talked to you, I fell in love with that voice. That accented, deep voice, O man. I can never get over that feeling. I am glad that very day you said, I choose who comes in my life and never let them go.  And then the friends forever promise. I often keep it but it was the first time someone wants to keep it with me.

Offcourse, we have had our share of fights.  One of my male bestie just told me that I can’t imagine you fighting with anyone. I actually don’t, I just go silent. And it hurt us both. Also you have reprimanded me too much for my pessimism and negativity. But I think it is all good. Who could handle my suicidal texts with humour? You only I think. And I actually have often ended up laughing. Also, who could keep texting me on important days to make sure all goes well. I think only you know how to make me laugh on my worse phases and moods. But that doesn’t mean I don’t know you get tired of taking care. You also want to be take cared. I have often tired. But then you are just way too nice to disturb me. But maybe sometimes you can try no?

All that was years back. Our friendship have changed too. We are busy and we hardly get time. Now you are more relaxed with me as my worst phase is over. But then I do have my blues. Also, I complain for I just miss ‘us’ being the more free kinds.  A person who has pushed each and every friend in these few years, kept you close. I survived for you were around. Otherwise, breakdowns I had was too much to be even told. I trusted the belief you have in me.  I test you and myself off late. I know I over react too. But then I just want to steal a piece of you which everyone gets. And often you forget I might be understanding but then I am human too. Am I not? I love and I care and also need the friend. I know I am not your best friend but then I also know how you hate when I say I have no best friend. I love it when you do realize you are my closest.

I think apart from you, hardly any know my personal issues. You think I could ever let you go? I push you off. On my birthday week I even decided I am never ever talking to you. You are my addiction. But I just was too disturbed with the accusations. And your thoughts about my issues. I don’t care what is the reality and not. I don’t even care if I ever see you . But yet I care about you and that be all. And yet, I was forced to give up. All because of the love. I weakened. I chose to never talk of those things anymore. I learnt my lesson. Every time we have fought, I learnt something and never talked on that line. A little of me died but I learnt. Now you see the effect?

Seeking to hear your voice once a month isn’t too much? Is it? Who knows where I be next year. Who knows where life takes us all. Utilizing it till the time is at hand isn’t too much. Or is it? A girl who never listen to anyone, does to you. Apart from 1-2 mistakes, you are always first one to know. When I submitted last july. I wanted to just call you. I might just do it post viva. And yet? I never intend to insult you. Never did. I have been as messed up last three days as you could ever imagine. It wasn’t about me. But me doing such things. I just want you to know that you are way too precious, just like how you considered me special.

You are one of those unnamed relationships which are like forever. I love you abound. You are my bestest friend. I want to share everything. Even when I mess my love stories. I want you to hold my hand and take me to the wedding hall someday. I want you to be the god father to my baby girl some day. And yet nothing will change. I will still throw kisses on you. Flirt in our cute harmless ways. And yet love our respective partners the most. You are the hottest and sexiest man I know. You got the moves. And I am glad I know you.  You are just everything in one. A  best friend when in tears, A lover when I am messed,  A mentor when indecisive, An ideal who makes it all easy. I know how much you try to settle things for me. No one will ever do. I just don’t allow. I might one day and that day you might be you even with me. I know it will come. I just respect you way too much.

Till that time, I just want to say ‘Don’t give up on me’. I am way too impossible. I might want you to know, times ahead are harder for me. Let me cry, and then even wipe those tears. Let us rekindle our friendship every other day. Come what may, just stay aside, even if geographical distances and time zones come between us some day. I want to get old and be the same with you. Even when our kids will go off and I am that crippled oldie, I want to call you and just smile. For in old age, all that matter is good friends.  I also want to make you proud of me one day. Have a place in the universe, where you go and say, hey that is my friend.

Space I need at times. But then don’t doubt my emotions? My actions are never deliberate. They are possessiveness at times. Jealousy at others. But then even you have them. Don’t lie that you don’t. I become helpless at times, I trample and fall. For this world is a mess and my fate even more at times. But when you be vigilant and make sure I get up, it is easier. It really is. People have warned me of attachments. Of trusting. And even keeping  close. But then, others also say you care. And that is all that matter right? You know way too much for me to now go back. I might know nothing. But trust me maybe. Someday?

I think that is all I guess. So how do we conclude? I love you beyond words, sweetheart. And my treats and coffee are pending and I will not leave without having then. Even if  it takes me decades to take it. Also, it is not easy to get rid of me. If you are stubborn about keeping some people close. Even I am. Even more if other person is the kindest and warmest human being. Someone who leaves me in awe at his sensitivity.

So forgive me, maybe? Not just this time but always?

You and me walking the opposite roads
Seeking a place in the universe
Filling hate with just purity
Of love, only we know, and cherish.

Undefined I keep ‘us’, and closed
In the palm of my hands and heart
I desire nothing, and give it all
All I want is your gift of friendship.

My creativity falls short when it’s you
You are not the muse, yet beyond
You are not just special, but beyond
Let us keep it simple, and call it heart beats.

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P.S. : I am glad you called as I was about to publish this post. I know you don’t want it published but still read no? And tell me if you hate it. Thank you for the smiles. Also, yes we can be back to being normal.  I never realized I went overboard. I am really sorry. Never again. But I will be messed more at times, just understand no? Also, I will never be bored of you. Even you don’t be no, please? :*

Also prompted @ 3WW, OSI, Inspiration Monday, Poets United, The Sunday WhirlCarry on Tuesday, Trifecta, Theme Thursday, and Sunday Scribblings

Empty Existence

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Tears in my eyes have a tale after long
Confessions I choose to make
To remove the stress that resides
From the life I now detest.

Relieving the moment that made sense
Of transformations I underwent alone
And cheerful laughter having no outlet
With deadly silences the new persona.

Golden spoon is your story
Often they said in jest
Smoothness was my destiny
Until a black hole settled.

Teased, bullied and often laughed
Yet I found happiness in people
For few understood the shine
And the honesty that was rare.

Lot of hands held me in tears
Sharing more than just smiles
For I had the oomph they desired
And in rare ones I found truths.

Then a tough call happened along
Isolation bounced forth alone
Priorities were to be chosen
And decisions to be made.

Society I kept afar in a jar
For close I kept some wrongs
I smiled and laughed for attention
Till I knew where the road passed.

I awoke at the right time
Yet the hands were again empty
For in that struggle to lose
I left all in a faraway land.

Some fake moments I gathered 
For they gave me smiles in hurt
I didn’t mind the ridicule befalling
Following storms of the devil.

A cut was once again made
This time it left a wound
With path breaking moments
And some mental collapses.

Life moved once again
With options to relive
Procrastinating the wait 
 I sat and settled ‘alone’ reality.

People again tried to surround
But confronted my silence
For I was there as another
And not someone loved.

Distances had a difficult effect
From being the ever-present being
I was someone with its own esteem
Lonely, but I chose to not lose.

I whimper in my bearing everyday
With a bruised soul that pains
For losing people dear and near
And left with empty existence.

Also Prompted @Theme Thursday, Two Shoe Tuesday  and Pondering with a Purpose