Hopeful January

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When I first started writing this post, it was just some poetic lines and then I thought something was amiss. I went back and read my posts for the Month of the Year Challenge and realised I mostly used to go for random heart to heart writings in this challenge and always loved it and so why change something which made me happy.

So, I think I will stick with the format and mix prose and poetry in this challenge this year too. I just hope I don’t bore you people much.

I am still aghast at the fact that the year is ending. Just two day back, at a meeting a colleague went ‘Oh the year is ending’, and we all went ‘Gosh. Where did it go?’ and I silently smiled. For somehow this was one sane and comparatively happy year that I spend in a long time.

January brought the much needed hopes and I welcomed 2014 with way too much hope then anyone could even think. Maybe it didn’t lived up to all but then the year didn’t do bad in most areas. I wanted lot of things on the professional front. They were fulfilled to a lot of degree as I loved doing whatever I did professionally this year and I hope the remaining wishes are fulfilled in 2015.

January was about the december that had gone. It was about the smile left after meeting one of my best friend after 2 years in december and the night out that was just about smiles. It was about the new found creativity and the new muse who gave a lot of poems to this blog. I am just glad he ended as just another muse. It was about reminisces and nostalgic memories.

January was about meeting school besties. It was about the gossip sessions and smiles. It was about happiness. It was about the love triangle of us three. It was about cold evenings and long travels. It was about love that stays inspite of all the distances in between.

January was also about new bonds and friends. It was also about failing expectations and hurts. It was about new learnings about humans. It was about learning to let everyone go for your happiness is the most important achievement. It was about new found maturity and care. It was all about priority. It was all about me.

January was about much waited interview calls and hard works. It was working towards something I wanted. It was about skipping some events to fulfill your passions. It was about your work being something that brings the glow in your eyes. It was about conquering anxious pangs and coming out victorious. It was about the feeling when the ‘first work day’ comes. It was about giving your best to something you always wanted. It was about proving all the discouragers wrong.

January was about lot of things. But most of all it was about me. Just like the year was. It was about finding me in the smiles of passion.

New beginnings, new hope
New year, new smiles
I called it love
As the year dawned.

Smilingly waved away
The year that went
And memories of past
Left me enough happiness.

A new muse, a new smile
Some  warmth around of good
Creativity and passion got meshed
As the wintry january was welcomed.

A renewed strength was found alone
After a year of just endless waits
A month that gave me light somehow
The month I realised, year will be good.

Of beautiful feelings, of different writings
Of reunions, with one’s I call my bestest
Of laughters, and love, that filled me
Of tests, of impatience, of goodness.

Of new found friendships, of new carings,
Of pains, of hurts, and  lot of fun
Of facing my fears, of facing the unknown
Of new starts, of finding, my own end.

Of anxious learnings, of prayers and fears
Of hope to prove, of taking one more step
Of that winter, that ended up most fruitful
Of all that, the next month brought forth.

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Written as Part of the Month of the Year Writing Prompt 2014-Season4

P.S. : With this post, I take part in the second writing challenge this year and hope to finish it. This is for my dearest friend  Lady Nimue 🙂

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The Thing Called Love

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One of those not ‘feeling good’ day I am having and I thought maybe writing will help me little bits. What is bothering me no one knows and maybe even I don’t but whatever it must be I hope it dies soon. Just the kind of day I want to cry or maybe even howl but I cannot. Kind of day where I want to snap out at everyone and without reason.

Somehow since I came back to blogging after a gap I forget all the rules of the game. I am no more particular of what I write. I hardly visit much blogs (of which I am sorry), hardly use my favorite prompt sites, and it doesn’t bother much if I am losing my readership base. Maybe this place has become my personal diary where I just have to take out and things make sense. One of the advantages of being semi anonymous I guess.

Now back to the problem. Life is little bit mess right but I know it will be fine once vacation ends and the same hectic schedule starts. But I become too much of an overthinker till then. And even worse when things go sane. Last month was in many mess, health wise mostly. Also, stopped being the nice one. Yet, I felt sane. And now when life is again better, I feel crap. Mended some old bonds and I am glad. Maybe I should not have. Caring brings the worse in me. But I need it. For my mental peace too. Also, after a brief moment, my muse disappointed me once again. And I let it die a silent death. Doesn’t mean he will never make a comeback. He will be around. Just. Maybe because I dreamed of his coldness last night that I am much more messed.

Someone, once destroyed me for love. And thereafter I only made mistakes. Hurt people, got hurt, became a cold persona. Stopped feeling. Became too selfish for anyone to know. Then muse came and I saw hope. He didn’t do anything new now. But I realised let’s not have a story. For I am poles apart from what I was. I just lost the ability to love and patience for it. I might want a companion, but according to my whims and fancies, and that is not how it works.

This doesn’t mean I stopped having fun. I share a smile, sometimes a coffee. I flirt around. I like being crushed upon. But that is it. Last time I went ahead and formed a relationship, I damaged him and never cared. I became so cold that I had no morose of it ending. This wasn’t me. But alas it is.

You must be thinking a believer like me saying all this. Yes, I believe. The mushy stuff I write makes me hope. Or maybe I love my dreams. It is these imaginations which make me happy after a bad day. Fairytales aren’t for me, but I still delve in them for they are my happy quotient. I still hope I be proved wrong. But life is beyond those words and hopes. Love is much beyond those kisses and embrace. It is also about tears, separations and hurtful words. It has ability to thrash us so hard that we never pick up our pieces. I am still picking mine. I do want a happy ending, but maybe without love. But living loveless is not how God made a person like me. He filled in too much feelings in me. He made for me poetry, to feel it in the misery. He made me to give it all, and yet be happy with it. One part of it died long ago. Then I discovered the other. I relish my tales, my mush, my movie kind of imaginations. But these are things that sell. Not kind that happen to us, writers. We end up alone at times. Dying with a book in one hand and ink spilled pages in another.

Too much pessimism happened right ? What to do. Sometimes smiles refuse to reach my lips. Forget eyes. In attempt to make other laugh, I lost mine maybe. Or maybe I got tired of doing things and giving all what others’ need. Maybe I do need a kind word once a while. Or be pampered with all love they have. Sometimes it is important to express, and sometimes its important to feel what others have for you. Sometimes all we want, is to hold hand with someone and just watch the sky at night. But even that is scary now. For then we expect and then it pains.

Once I never cared if it hurts, I was overflowing with love. Even if he berated me, I found an excuse for that and I was often true. For, he did fell in love. Just never knew how to show and was scared if he did it will hurt more. But he forgot, that is all I had to take away when he left. Maybe he was right, because inspite of showing less, I am a bundle of his memories. For he took my soul away, and one night told me, he felt that his soul left to enter mine. And that is still my most cherish memory. We were two souls, fighting a distance, having a silly lover’s conversation post midnight on the phone and a moment changed it all. I felt a white invisible angelic force embracing me and so he did. And thereafter, I called him the soul mate. But then, it is said, soul mates never meet, for they are not meant for mundane tasks. But I never want to settle for anything less than that. But irony is no two loves are same. I might love again but not similarly. And I still hope, I still search, maybe I do have some ending. Some closure. He does the same. Even now. We still communicate in distress. But know our realities.

Some people say, we can have many soul mates. Some even call them best friends. I still wish I have not exhausted my quota. Maybe I should steal one from the heavens. But all I know is my quota for hurt is way overflowing and if I do feel once again and it goes dramatically wrong, I will be done with even hope. And that is one reason I have stopped feeling too, even if the other showers all the love. For I am wary of humans. I don’t want to be an object to be played upon anymore and I wouldn’t be. It will take too much patience for anyone to make me believe in their feelings. I just don’t hope. But if they can make me believe and crack my shield, I am sure they will be worth it. Only a messiah can heal. Only he can make me believe. And make it known that beautiful love is worth it. I hope he exists. Till then, I console my heart to be thankful that atleast he has known love.

I wish, I believe, I hope……love still exists….for me.

P.S. I have too much building inside and I didn’t even said half of it today. Maybe some other day. So be prepared for more such introspective rants when my mood goes disgruntled.

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I am…

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I am a wanderer in search of life
Following the different roads
Throwing me down, or elevating me up
I find beauty in the way they embrace
And I keep strolling to seek more.

I am a poet in search of rhymes
Which resonate with my heart beats
Some laugh in joy, some cry in pain
I scribble like there is no tomorrow
For as long I live I know no other way.

I am a writer in search of words
Coining fables and sprinkling hope
To the tired mind, and hopeless soul
Often the thoughts go deep in the vacuum
Where I search for letters yet unknown.

I am a conjurer in search of magic
Hidden behind the  clouds I see
Found in the stars that glitter
And the moon that beautify
I ignite it all with one tiny belief.

I am a human in search of love
Which unites true souls of humanity
Found in the smile that reach the heart
And the embrace that make us live
Seeking the fairy tale, that is indeed eternal.

I am a child in search of innocence
Found in the first dew on that lone leaf
In the paper ship that sails in the rain
In the careless scratches, and magical smiles
Seeking all that I risked losing, to grow.

I am a believer in search of hope
For every time that I lose the battle
For every hurt that makes me break
For every tear that refuses to stop
For a second chance, we all deserve.

I am a person in search of myself
Who seeks love and care, success and fame
Who is a lover, a sister, a daughter and an aunt
Who knows only honesty, and want no lies
Again committed to finding the pure soul.

This is a list poem.

Written for the OctPoWriMo writing prompt Day Five : Writing a List Poem

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P.S. If you are an old reader of my blog you will notice that most of the first lines in each paragraph of this poem come from my definition of myself in the bio.  I could not write as much  I wanted to due to time crunch but something is better than nothing 🙂