The Thing Called Love

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One of those not ‘feeling good’ day I am having and I thought maybe writing will help me little bits. What is bothering me no one knows and maybe even I don’t but whatever it must be I hope it dies soon. Just the kind of day I want to cry or maybe even howl but I cannot. Kind of day where I want to snap out at everyone and without reason.

Somehow since I came back to blogging after a gap I forget all the rules of the game. I am no more particular of what I write. I hardly visit much blogs (of which I am sorry), hardly use my favorite prompt sites, and it doesn’t bother much if I am losing my readership base. Maybe this place has become my personal diary where I just have to take out and things make sense. One of the advantages of being semi anonymous I guess.

Now back to the problem. Life is little bit mess right but I know it will be fine once vacation ends and the same hectic schedule starts. But I become too much of an overthinker till then. And even worse when things go sane. Last month was in many mess, health wise mostly. Also, stopped being the nice one. Yet, I felt sane. And now when life is again better, I feel crap. Mended some old bonds and I am glad. Maybe I should not have. Caring brings the worse in me. But I need it. For my mental peace too. Also, after a brief moment, my muse disappointed me once again. And I let it die a silent death. Doesn’t mean he will never make a comeback. He will be around. Just. Maybe because I dreamed of his coldness last night that I am much more messed.

Someone, once destroyed me for love. And thereafter I only made mistakes. Hurt people, got hurt, became a cold persona. Stopped feeling. Became too selfish for anyone to know. Then muse came and I saw hope. He didn’t do anything new now. But I realised let’s not have a story. For I am poles apart from what I was. I just lost the ability to love and patience for it. I might want a companion, but according to my whims and fancies, and that is not how it works.

This doesn’t mean I stopped having fun. I share a smile, sometimes a coffee. I flirt around. I like being crushed upon. But that is it. Last time I went ahead and formed a relationship, I damaged him and never cared. I became so cold that I had no morose of it ending. This wasn’t me. But alas it is.

You must be thinking a believer like me saying all this. Yes, I believe. The mushy stuff I write makes me hope. Or maybe I love my dreams. It is these imaginations which make me happy after a bad day. Fairytales aren’t for me, but I still delve in them for they are my happy quotient. I still hope I be proved wrong. But life is beyond those words and hopes. Love is much beyond those kisses and embrace. It is also about tears, separations and hurtful words. It has ability to thrash us so hard that we never pick up our pieces. I am still picking mine. I do want a happy ending, but maybe without love. But living loveless is not how God made a person like me. He filled in too much feelings in me. He made for me poetry, to feel it in the misery. He made me to give it all, and yet be happy with it. One part of it died long ago. Then I discovered the other. I relish my tales, my mush, my movie kind of imaginations. But these are things that sell. Not kind that happen to us, writers. We end up alone at times. Dying with a book in one hand and ink spilled pages in another.

Too much pessimism happened right ? What to do. Sometimes smiles refuse to reach my lips. Forget eyes. In attempt to make other laugh, I lost mine maybe. Or maybe I got tired of doing things and giving all what others’ need. Maybe I do need a kind word once a while. Or be pampered with all love they have. Sometimes it is important to express, and sometimes its important to feel what others have for you. Sometimes all we want, is to hold hand with someone and just watch the sky at night. But even that is scary now. For then we expect and then it pains.

Once I never cared if it hurts, I was overflowing with love. Even if he berated me, I found an excuse for that and I was often true. For, he did fell in love. Just never knew how to show and was scared if he did it will hurt more. But he forgot, that is all I had to take away when he left. Maybe he was right, because inspite of showing less, I am a bundle of his memories. For he took my soul away, and one night told me, he felt that his soul left to enter mine. And that is still my most cherish memory. We were two souls, fighting a distance, having a silly lover’s conversation post midnight on the phone and a moment changed it all. I felt a white invisible angelic force embracing me and so he did. And thereafter, I called him the soul mate. But then, it is said, soul mates never meet, for they are not meant for mundane tasks. But I never want to settle for anything less than that. But irony is no two loves are same. I might love again but not similarly. And I still hope, I still search, maybe I do have some ending. Some closure. He does the same. Even now. We still communicate in distress. But know our realities.

Some people say, we can have many soul mates. Some even call them best friends. I still wish I have not exhausted my quota. Maybe I should steal one from the heavens. But all I know is my quota for hurt is way overflowing and if I do feel once again and it goes dramatically wrong, I will be done with even hope. And that is one reason I have stopped feeling too, even if the other showers all the love. For I am wary of humans. I don’t want to be an object to be played upon anymore and I wouldn’t be. It will take too much patience for anyone to make me believe in their feelings. I just don’t hope. But if they can make me believe and crack my shield, I am sure they will be worth it. Only a messiah can heal. Only he can make me believe. And make it known that beautiful love is worth it. I hope he exists. Till then, I console my heart to be thankful that atleast he has known love.

I wish, I believe, I hope……love still exists….for me.

P.S. I have too much building inside and I didn’t even said half of it today. Maybe some other day. So be prepared for more such introspective rants when my mood goes disgruntled.

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I am…

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I am a wanderer in search of life
Following the different roads
Throwing me down, or elevating me up
I find beauty in the way they embrace
And I keep strolling to seek more.

I am a poet in search of rhymes
Which resonate with my heart beats
Some laugh in joy, some cry in pain
I scribble like there is no tomorrow
For as long I live I know no other way.

I am a writer in search of words
Coining fables and sprinkling hope
To the tired mind, and hopeless soul
Often the thoughts go deep in the vacuum
Where I search for letters yet unknown.

I am a conjurer in search of magic
Hidden behind the  clouds I see
Found in the stars that glitter
And the moon that beautify
I ignite it all with one tiny belief.

I am a human in search of love
Which unites true souls of humanity
Found in the smile that reach the heart
And the embrace that make us live
Seeking the fairy tale, that is indeed eternal.

I am a child in search of innocence
Found in the first dew on that lone leaf
In the paper ship that sails in the rain
In the careless scratches, and magical smiles
Seeking all that I risked losing, to grow.

I am a believer in search of hope
For every time that I lose the battle
For every hurt that makes me break
For every tear that refuses to stop
For a second chance, we all deserve.

I am a person in search of myself
Who seeks love and care, success and fame
Who is a lover, a sister, a daughter and an aunt
Who knows only honesty, and want no lies
Again committed to finding the pure soul.

This is a list poem.

Written for the OctPoWriMo writing prompt Day Five : Writing a List Poem

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P.S. If you are an old reader of my blog you will notice that most of the first lines in each paragraph of this poem come from my definition of myself in the bio.  I could not write as much  I wanted to due to time crunch but something is better than nothing 🙂

Empty Existence

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Tears in my eyes have a tale after long
Confessions I choose to make
To remove the stress that resides
From the life I now detest.

Relieving the moment that made sense
Of transformations I underwent alone
And cheerful laughter having no outlet
With deadly silences the new persona.

Golden spoon is your story
Often they said in jest
Smoothness was my destiny
Until a black hole settled.

Teased, bullied and often laughed
Yet I found happiness in people
For few understood the shine
And the honesty that was rare.

Lot of hands held me in tears
Sharing more than just smiles
For I had the oomph they desired
And in rare ones I found truths.

Then a tough call happened along
Isolation bounced forth alone
Priorities were to be chosen
And decisions to be made.

Society I kept afar in a jar
For close I kept some wrongs
I smiled and laughed for attention
Till I knew where the road passed.

I awoke at the right time
Yet the hands were again empty
For in that struggle to lose
I left all in a faraway land.

Some fake moments I gathered 
For they gave me smiles in hurt
I didn’t mind the ridicule befalling
Following storms of the devil.

A cut was once again made
This time it left a wound
With path breaking moments
And some mental collapses.

Life moved once again
With options to relive
Procrastinating the wait 
 I sat and settled ‘alone’ reality.

People again tried to surround
But confronted my silence
For I was there as another
And not someone loved.

Distances had a difficult effect
From being the ever-present being
I was someone with its own esteem
Lonely, but I chose to not lose.

I whimper in my bearing everyday
With a bruised soul that pains
For losing people dear and near
And left with empty existence.

Also Prompted @Theme Thursday, Two Shoe Tuesday  and Pondering with a Purpose

Lonely Winters

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When one has accomplished one goal and there is no route to other goals, a kind of emptiness sweeps within. You know you are a bundle of dreams, expectations and desires and yet you are seen as one useless person for you are just waiting. And that sucks like nothing. October and November did that to me. I could still not get out of my city for a vacation and hence the stress quotient wasn’t relieved much and on top of it, illness crept in badly with almost everyone falling ill. So, the month was about medicines, sleeps, arguments, bad moods and what not.

Also, some realizations happened. Some relationships are of sort where  love is too much when apart, and too many disagreements when together.  Nevertheless, too much love kills for there are too many expectations.  But then, we manage for we have to. Again these months were isolated ones, when the social and friend circle were not present any near. So, a really dark winter in a way.

However, October did give one nice occasion to celebrate. A festival we made into a mini celebration for the family. Apart from loads of cooking, self pampering and shopping, we made it a fun day for our cute baby. Since, the baby’s first birthday was a video call one , we decided to bake a cake and celebrate one in our own ways. I managed to bake a cake apart from all other things and one tiny smash cup cake for him. And all of it did get done on time. Nice clothes, loads of photography, much more foods and load and load of smiles the day brought. Baby looked the cutest with his dangling long hair ( which got cut the next day and in a day he transformed from a baby to a big boy). The traditional attire look was best on our angel too but best was him carrying his cup cake in whole house and soiling around even if he hardly ate.  But, the cake was a hit and for the first time my sibling actually said you did bake one awesome cake. Totally worth it all.

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Naked truths stood upfront,
Vacant lies the within
Tears roll across again
To fight inner recesses.

I fall, I detest it
Hidden are all goals
Focused ideas are empty
I am everything but me.

Jar of wishes is ajar
I desire to pick a jelly
Blooming with all love
Yet, that step seems far.

Idle looks my present
To all who sees carelessness
Turmoil I carry across
No one but the mind knows.

Load of expectations kills
Aware I, of all responsibility
The child within wants to play
One last time, like the end.

I reside all alone
In the middle of nowhere
To find a purpose or light
Where lies the path of sight.

An angel exists as a cure
Pairing smiles,  to sad tears
Giving sparks of happiness
And  I smile a bit.

Separation from you was hardest
When sickness found its way
I can never forget your excitement
When I smiled to your jigs.

For that moment I promise to cheer
Once and for all things dear
And say hello to rays
For my little sunshine there.

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Written as part of Lady Nimue’s Month of the Year Writing Prompt-Season 3.

Also Prompted @ 3WW, OSI, The Sunday Whirl, Inspiration Monday, Trifecta and Two Shoes Tuesday.

Tender Febraury

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The soft ray of light coming across that window pane gives a smile. Holding on to that cup of coffee, I feel a  warm happiness within. The season change spelled a time change. It  was having it’s effect as the new month arrived. The one, people associated with love. For me, it was about friends and some moments of laughs with their sun-shines.  Memories of this month were always filled with affection. Be it decades back, or sometimes just years back.  Unions of love, of smiles, of laughs, of new born, of jolly.  Yearnings of the time that went by, and dreams of someday when laughter acquires different meanings.  A desire, a lost affair, a clinging, a loss and in between it all, I decide to give it all away, to move on.  Resurrection of the lost form, resolve to work like it all ends today, to finalize what I undertook.

Smiling at the rose petals that fall,
I ask the ray what you give and take,
I realize that lost I have many times,
But in all this, I was missing on me.

“I miss you” are words that come to me,
As I surf through old memories, and pictures,
Of the smile, and the carelessness inscribed,
Of the innocence, that didn’t worry of hurts.

Life took its turn, as maturity started creeping,
I am still lost in search of identity I make,
Yet, missed is the person, who stood for happiness,
Even when all that people saw was despair.

Time changed, season changed, and I stood still,
Then the wind blew,  taking me to a different land,
Where golden spoon gave way to just one’s own hand,
And I cultivate land not knowing what to find now.

Creativity smiled, and gave me the pen,
I still relish it like a dream eternal,
But life seeks more from the person within,
And await a day when sadness creeps away.

Month of resolves, and of love all around,
It left me with lot of light mindedness,
And missions to be accomplished, alone
Delightfully I resolved to see the year ahead.

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Written as part of the Month of The Year Writing Prompt-2012-Season 3.

Also Prompted @ DVerse, OSI, The Sunday Whirl, Easy Street Prompts, Poets United