The Thing Called Love

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One of those not ‘feeling good’ day I am having and I thought maybe writing will help me little bits. What is bothering me no one knows and maybe even I don’t but whatever it must be I hope it dies soon. Just the kind of day I want to cry or maybe even howl but I cannot. Kind of day where I want to snap out at everyone and without reason.

Somehow since I came back to blogging after a gap I forget all the rules of the game. I am no more particular of what I write. I hardly visit much blogs (of which I am sorry), hardly use my favorite prompt sites, and it doesn’t bother much if I am losing my readership base. Maybe this place has become my personal diary where I just have to take out and things make sense. One of the advantages of being semi anonymous I guess.

Now back to the problem. Life is little bit mess right but I know it will be fine once vacation ends and the same hectic schedule starts. But I become too much of an overthinker till then. And even worse when things go sane. Last month was in many mess, health wise mostly. Also, stopped being the nice one. Yet, I felt sane. And now when life is again better, I feel crap. Mended some old bonds and I am glad. Maybe I should not have. Caring brings the worse in me. But I need it. For my mental peace too. Also, after a brief moment, my muse disappointed me once again. And I let it die a silent death. Doesn’t mean he will never make a comeback. He will be around. Just. Maybe because I dreamed of his coldness last night that I am much more messed.

Someone, once destroyed me for love. And thereafter I only made mistakes. Hurt people, got hurt, became a cold persona. Stopped feeling. Became too selfish for anyone to know. Then muse came and I saw hope. He didn’t do anything new now. But I realised let’s not have a story. For I am poles apart from what I was. I just lost the ability to love and patience for it. I might want a companion, but according to my whims and fancies, and that is not how it works.

This doesn’t mean I stopped having fun. I share a smile, sometimes a coffee. I flirt around. I like being crushed upon. But that is it. Last time I went ahead and formed a relationship, I damaged him and never cared. I became so cold that I had no morose of it ending. This wasn’t me. But alas it is.

You must be thinking a believer like me saying all this. Yes, I believe. The mushy stuff I write makes me hope. Or maybe I love my dreams. It is these imaginations which make me happy after a bad day. Fairytales aren’t for me, but I still delve in them for they are my happy quotient. I still hope I be proved wrong. But life is beyond those words and hopes. Love is much beyond those kisses and embrace. It is also about tears, separations and hurtful words. It has ability to thrash us so hard that we never pick up our pieces. I am still picking mine. I do want a happy ending, but maybe without love. But living loveless is not how God made a person like me. He filled in too much feelings in me. He made for me poetry, to feel it in the misery. He made me to give it all, and yet be happy with it. One part of it died long ago. Then I discovered the other. I relish my tales, my mush, my movie kind of imaginations. But these are things that sell. Not kind that happen to us, writers. We end up alone at times. Dying with a book in one hand and ink spilled pages in another.

Too much pessimism happened right ? What to do. Sometimes smiles refuse to reach my lips. Forget eyes. In attempt to make other laugh, I lost mine maybe. Or maybe I got tired of doing things and giving all what others’ need. Maybe I do need a kind word once a while. Or be pampered with all love they have. Sometimes it is important to express, and sometimes its important to feel what others have for you. Sometimes all we want, is to hold hand with someone and just watch the sky at night. But even that is scary now. For then we expect and then it pains.

Once I never cared if it hurts, I was overflowing with love. Even if he berated me, I found an excuse for that and I was often true. For, he did fell in love. Just never knew how to show and was scared if he did it will hurt more. But he forgot, that is all I had to take away when he left. Maybe he was right, because inspite of showing less, I am a bundle of his memories. For he took my soul away, and one night told me, he felt that his soul left to enter mine. And that is still my most cherish memory. We were two souls, fighting a distance, having a silly lover’s conversation post midnight on the phone and a moment changed it all. I felt a white invisible angelic force embracing me and so he did. And thereafter, I called him the soul mate. But then, it is said, soul mates never meet, for they are not meant for mundane tasks. But I never want to settle for anything less than that. But irony is no two loves are same. I might love again but not similarly. And I still hope, I still search, maybe I do have some ending. Some closure. He does the same. Even now. We still communicate in distress. But know our realities.

Some people say, we can have many soul mates. Some even call them best friends. I still wish I have not exhausted my quota. Maybe I should steal one from the heavens. But all I know is my quota for hurt is way overflowing and if I do feel once again and it goes dramatically wrong, I will be done with even hope. And that is one reason I have stopped feeling too, even if the other showers all the love. For I am wary of humans. I don’t want to be an object to be played upon anymore and I wouldn’t be. It will take too much patience for anyone to make me believe in their feelings. I just don’t hope. But if they can make me believe and crack my shield, I am sure they will be worth it. Only a messiah can heal. Only he can make me believe. And make it known that beautiful love is worth it. I hope he exists. Till then, I console my heart to be thankful that atleast he has known love.

I wish, I believe, I hope……love still exists….for me.

P.S. I have too much building inside and I didn’t even said half of it today. Maybe some other day. So be prepared for more such introspective rants when my mood goes disgruntled.

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Loved and Lost

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Tears don’t stop when we are overwhelmed
Expectations kills what was the beauty
Love we shared, misconstrued in between
And I just stood still, breaking into bits.

There was a beauty in the sunshine behind clouds,
I learned just to love when that is all I got
Yet, I knew relationships were much more than that
And a break in emotion was demanded, as I over did.

I wanted to fall in that wet grass and just scream
Feel the droplets of water, and disguise it as rain
I wanted to run away and just get mingled in the crowd
Today, I just despised love, for it was growing way deep.

Poetry was in the air, in the embrace of one’s I cared
I spoke lot more then anyone could ever feel in life
I conversed with mist in my eyes, and sweaty palms
I learned a lesson, in the new year, and parted ways.

Aloofness, defined me, when life was teaching me through stories
Misjudged the experience, and forgotten were all valuables
The wings were flying, ignoring the scars that bothered
Now I sit down, to clip them, once more in a lifetime.

I still say a silent prayers to invent a balm for sorrows
To just wipe all the hurt that the bruised heart feel again
To seek no talks, and just keep the sealed lips still
And wish, maybe I be that angel God conspired someday, for you.

Dependency is what love creates, for I want you to be mine
‘Only mine’ is the selfish variant I see, as I lay my eyes on you
Then I burn the fire of love within, for you have many around
And in that struggle to own, I lose what was even mine.

Slowly slowly I become a shadow of what was the one you knew
I vaporise, I diminish and then one day I am just a memory
I just wish, one day on my elegy you write what I desired
“Here lies the one who knew nothing but just love”.

Love Tale

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A daisy
She was
Often tender
Dew drops
Defined her
Melting away
By words
Sought nothing
But happiness
Spread she
Pure smiles
Sugar talks
Simple dreams
Danced often
When jubilant
In dreamland
Lived forever.

Then came
A mate
Who ignited
Infinite dreams
Eyes glitter
Heart beats
Passions felt
Kisses exchanged
Dream real
She felt
Counting stars
Embracing moon
Living heaven
Alive fully
She embraces
True love
Then finally.

He was
Little devil
Plans other
He kept
Within self
Playing safe
He loved
Saying aloud
No promises
For fate
Delusions they
Give her
Every day
Before he
Stab spirits
And heart
She carries.

No fool
She was
Knew plans
Yet convinced
He changes
For love
Saw lies
Saw indifidelity
Believed wrongs
Yet stayed
Strength he
To her
She wanted
It all
For succumbed
Completely was
In love.

One day
Knowing all
Took stand
Tired now
Of lies
Tore heart
Saying goodbye
Ignoring today
The pleads
And cries
He shouted
Other one
Not be
Memories hers
Stored within
Stepped out
She finally.

Soul cried
Bereaved now
She broken
No reason
She found
To live
Said goodbye
For right
Knowing not
To survive
Harsh world
All alone
She tried
Failed again
Numb statue
She became
To dears.

Dark room
One corner
Sleep someone
Tears many
Horror felt
Sadness seen
Love tested
People saw
Mad lover
No more
He dumbstruck
She proved
True love
Engraved name
Of his
On veins
She died.

This is a Narrative Poem

Written for the OctPoWriMo writing prompt Day 7: Narrative Poetry

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Self Love

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Wordless silence adorns me
Deep insight of a bereavement
I anticipate nothing anymore
Lips quiver in frozen fears.

Double faces I saw not
Hypocrisy was never me
Innocence lost, Smirks head
Thus is born another cynic.

Serene was my mind
With every fake word
Comforting in danger lines
Unaware of the lie you.

How best were we
Illusions were all you
Some needs, I fulfilled
Some words, You gave.

I die within again
Reminded of promises, just
And thrashed, for inquistiveness
You liked, I distress.

Broken ties, I anticipated
Shhh, said the love
I wondered, of perfectness
Today laughs, my experience.

Skeptically, I watch vacuum
Heart whispers some lullaby
Reminds of all scars
Given when I skipped.

Another lesson, I presume
Another hurt, I pain
Another warning, I take
Another balm, I want .

Fearless I , just walk
Thorns will prick hurt
Promise another change, maybe
Embracing only, self love.

Till life, smiles again
I blow magical words
I hear, some rhymes
And hope, for love.

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Also Prompted @Inspiration Monday, 3WW, Theme Thursday and Sunday Scribblings.

Muse Dies

Tears sweep past
As muse dies
Stifling itself again
Breathing its last.

Wonder I again
How jest lost
To pen thoughts
Of deep within.

A flower resides
Deep in scents
Of pages of book
You gifted along.

How world drifted
We became I
I stand downhill
To be flooded.

Life moves ahead
So did I
Wheat and barley
Still smell same.

Rain remind me
Of memories past
When I wrote
Nothing that last.

I found hand
Imbibing my struggle
Tears comes again
For I transgressed.

He penetrated thoughts
I Mumbled nothing
Before I knew
Dragged was persona.

In deep recesses
Of memorable times
I flashed smiles
To cry again.

Life ran fast
Leaving me behind
Hurting the soul
Clueless was I.

Struggle in hurts
I numbly move
Questioning the life
Testing my patience.

I die again
Not to renew
Battered is soul
In deciding turns.

Turns I oversaw
Which leads astray
World rolled down
I couldn’t decide.

Choosing the right
Or loving wrong
Happiness of moments
Destined to cry.

Clueless I remain
Life makes move
Dying soul inside
Buries the muse.