The Thing Called Love

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One of those not ‘feeling good’ day I am having and I thought maybe writing will help me little bits. What is bothering me no one knows and maybe even I don’t but whatever it must be I hope it dies soon. Just the kind of day I want to cry or maybe even howl but I cannot. Kind of day where I want to snap out at everyone and without reason.

Somehow since I came back to blogging after a gap I forget all the rules of the game. I am no more particular of what I write. I hardly visit much blogs (of which I am sorry), hardly use my favorite prompt sites, and it doesn’t bother much if I am losing my readership base. Maybe this place has become my personal diary where I just have to take out and things make sense. One of the advantages of being semi anonymous I guess.

Now back to the problem. Life is little bit mess right but I know it will be fine once vacation ends and the same hectic schedule starts. But I become too much of an overthinker till then. And even worse when things go sane. Last month was in many mess, health wise mostly. Also, stopped being the nice one. Yet, I felt sane. And now when life is again better, I feel crap. Mended some old bonds and I am glad. Maybe I should not have. Caring brings the worse in me. But I need it. For my mental peace too. Also, after a brief moment, my muse disappointed me once again. And I let it die a silent death. Doesn’t mean he will never make a comeback. He will be around. Just. Maybe because I dreamed of his coldness last night that I am much more messed.

Someone, once destroyed me for love. And thereafter I only made mistakes. Hurt people, got hurt, became a cold persona. Stopped feeling. Became too selfish for anyone to know. Then muse came and I saw hope. He didn’t do anything new now. But I realised let’s not have a story. For I am poles apart from what I was. I just lost the ability to love and patience for it. I might want a companion, but according to my whims and fancies, and that is not how it works.

This doesn’t mean I stopped having fun. I share a smile, sometimes a coffee. I flirt around. I like being crushed upon. But that is it. Last time I went ahead and formed a relationship, I damaged him and never cared. I became so cold that I had no morose of it ending. This wasn’t me. But alas it is.

You must be thinking a believer like me saying all this. Yes, I believe. The mushy stuff I write makes me hope. Or maybe I love my dreams. It is these imaginations which make me happy after a bad day. Fairytales aren’t for me, but I still delve in them for they are my happy quotient. I still hope I be proved wrong. But life is beyond those words and hopes. Love is much beyond those kisses and embrace. It is also about tears, separations and hurtful words. It has ability to thrash us so hard that we never pick up our pieces. I am still picking mine. I do want a happy ending, but maybe without love. But living loveless is not how God made a person like me. He filled in too much feelings in me. He made for me poetry, to feel it in the misery. He made me to give it all, and yet be happy with it. One part of it died long ago. Then I discovered the other. I relish my tales, my mush, my movie kind of imaginations. But these are things that sell. Not kind that happen to us, writers. We end up alone at times. Dying with a book in one hand and ink spilled pages in another.

Too much pessimism happened right ? What to do. Sometimes smiles refuse to reach my lips. Forget eyes. In attempt to make other laugh, I lost mine maybe. Or maybe I got tired of doing things and giving all what others’ need. Maybe I do need a kind word once a while. Or be pampered with all love they have. Sometimes it is important to express, and sometimes its important to feel what others have for you. Sometimes all we want, is to hold hand with someone and just watch the sky at night. But even that is scary now. For then we expect and then it pains.

Once I never cared if it hurts, I was overflowing with love. Even if he berated me, I found an excuse for that and I was often true. For, he did fell in love. Just never knew how to show and was scared if he did it will hurt more. But he forgot, that is all I had to take away when he left. Maybe he was right, because inspite of showing less, I am a bundle of his memories. For he took my soul away, and one night told me, he felt that his soul left to enter mine. And that is still my most cherish memory. We were two souls, fighting a distance, having a silly lover’s conversation post midnight on the phone and a moment changed it all. I felt a white invisible angelic force embracing me and so he did. And thereafter, I called him the soul mate. But then, it is said, soul mates never meet, for they are not meant for mundane tasks. But I never want to settle for anything less than that. But irony is no two loves are same. I might love again but not similarly. And I still hope, I still search, maybe I do have some ending. Some closure. He does the same. Even now. We still communicate in distress. But know our realities.

Some people say, we can have many soul mates. Some even call them best friends. I still wish I have not exhausted my quota. Maybe I should steal one from the heavens. But all I know is my quota for hurt is way overflowing and if I do feel once again and it goes dramatically wrong, I will be done with even hope. And that is one reason I have stopped feeling too, even if the other showers all the love. For I am wary of humans. I don’t want to be an object to be played upon anymore and I wouldn’t be. It will take too much patience for anyone to make me believe in their feelings. I just don’t hope. But if they can make me believe and crack my shield, I am sure they will be worth it. Only a messiah can heal. Only he can make me believe. And make it known that beautiful love is worth it. I hope he exists. Till then, I console my heart to be thankful that atleast he has known love.

I wish, I believe, I hope……love still exists….for me.

P.S. I have too much building inside and I didn’t even said half of it today. Maybe some other day. So be prepared for more such introspective rants when my mood goes disgruntled.

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Happy 200th

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Hello everyone,

I know I have been missing for too long. Life has been just so busy that I forgot to write. Months back when I wrote my last post, I decided my next post will be extra special, and in that need for perfection, I forgot to share tidbits that make it all special and hence life engulfed me more.

I wanted this 200th post to be a guest post, but my friends are equally like me and life became too happening for them too. In the process, I missed important milestones of my blog. I completed four years of this blog ( which was initially started on blogger) on valentine’s day and missed the special post. I had an awesome yet silent birthday this year and I even missed that. But most important, I lost the fervor to write, world literally pulled me in me so much that all I read is work and all I write is work.

But then that doesn’t mean I didn’t do much. This year has been thankfully pretty happy. I knew it will be and it was. I miss writing nonsensical poems on my phone now, but then maybe its good. For mostly I used to write when I am sad, and I haven’t really written much sad poems this year. I even hardly go to my poetry club meets. But I am glad I am part of it, as it filled my vacuum last year and gave me awesome friends. Some friends who helped me sail this year too, when I needed.

Now, I meet people more though. I tweet few lines when little inspired. I post on instagram and love it. Maybe I like keeping my love for photographs. But I miss reading you all and writing here.

Life has a schedule now. Which says even if you sleep late, better get up early. And when home, you have so much to do that you should not think of all that upsets you. Meet people that make you smile and be glad they are there when you need them. This birthday, most special people of my life had long phone conversations unlike just short ones and I loved it more than anything else. I got my favorite cake and people told me they love me and I smiled. I have friends I can ping when messed up and friends I can meet to explore food. I have ones who give me poetry meetups and one’s who can see my face and read my mood. Lot of love all around and yet something missing. But I am glad for everything has a time. Maybe it will be time to love again too someday.

I enjoyed my work stint which was for one semester. I got my first salary and life moved.  Past three months taught me much more than I can ever imagine. It gave me confidence, it gave me identity. From the anxious, giddy girl who fiddles and whose words used to freeze in front of the crowd I became someone many loved and learnt a lot. From that nervous, messed up speaker on my first day of work (in-spite of all the preparations), I turned into someone who gave an impromptu farewell speech without faltering down. Next semester will be something new, but now I know I will not sit in vacuum. I just pray I get that dream permanent stint soon too. For hope is showing and wish it ends as a positive success. All along I always thought the profession that chose me isn’t for me, but last few months told me I was wrong, for I love what I do. I get smiles too in the process and I am glad.

All I miss is writing and being inspired. I miss reading fiction. I miss all things literature. But maybe, this was it. Or maybe not. Maybe someday I will be inspired enough again. Till then pray for all things good for me. And even love and happiness.

I seek to sprinkle some love
In the rough blankets of life
Spreading magic of smiles around
For that is all I know.

Cheers till then,
Hopefully we meet soon again.

Day sacred valentine card

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