The Thing Called Love

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One of those not ‘feeling good’ day I am having and I thought maybe writing will help me little bits. What is bothering me no one knows and maybe even I don’t but whatever it must be I hope it dies soon. Just the kind of day I want to cry or maybe even howl but I cannot. Kind of day where I want to snap out at everyone and without reason.

Somehow since I came back to blogging after a gap I forget all the rules of the game. I am no more particular of what I write. I hardly visit much blogs (of which I am sorry), hardly use my favorite prompt sites, and it doesn’t bother much if I am losing my readership base. Maybe this place has become my personal diary where I just have to take out and things make sense. One of the advantages of being semi anonymous I guess.

Now back to the problem. Life is little bit mess right but I know it will be fine once vacation ends and the same hectic schedule starts. But I become too much of an overthinker till then. And even worse when things go sane. Last month was in many mess, health wise mostly. Also, stopped being the nice one. Yet, I felt sane. And now when life is again better, I feel crap. Mended some old bonds and I am glad. Maybe I should not have. Caring brings the worse in me. But I need it. For my mental peace too. Also, after a brief moment, my muse disappointed me once again. And I let it die a silent death. Doesn’t mean he will never make a comeback. He will be around. Just. Maybe because I dreamed of his coldness last night that I am much more messed.

Someone, once destroyed me for love. And thereafter I only made mistakes. Hurt people, got hurt, became a cold persona. Stopped feeling. Became too selfish for anyone to know. Then muse came and I saw hope. He didn’t do anything new now. But I realised let’s not have a story. For I am poles apart from what I was. I just lost the ability to love and patience for it. I might want a companion, but according to my whims and fancies, and that is not how it works.

This doesn’t mean I stopped having fun. I share a smile, sometimes a coffee. I flirt around. I like being crushed upon. But that is it. Last time I went ahead and formed a relationship, I damaged him and never cared. I became so cold that I had no morose of it ending. This wasn’t me. But alas it is.

You must be thinking a believer like me saying all this. Yes, I believe. The mushy stuff I write makes me hope. Or maybe I love my dreams. It is these imaginations which make me happy after a bad day. Fairytales aren’t for me, but I still delve in them for they are my happy quotient. I still hope I be proved wrong. But life is beyond those words and hopes. Love is much beyond those kisses and embrace. It is also about tears, separations and hurtful words. It has ability to thrash us so hard that we never pick up our pieces. I am still picking mine. I do want a happy ending, but maybe without love. But living loveless is not how God made a person like me. He filled in too much feelings in me. He made for me poetry, to feel it in the misery. He made me to give it all, and yet be happy with it. One part of it died long ago. Then I discovered the other. I relish my tales, my mush, my movie kind of imaginations. But these are things that sell. Not kind that happen to us, writers. We end up alone at times. Dying with a book in one hand and ink spilled pages in another.

Too much pessimism happened right ? What to do. Sometimes smiles refuse to reach my lips. Forget eyes. In attempt to make other laugh, I lost mine maybe. Or maybe I got tired of doing things and giving all what others’ need. Maybe I do need a kind word once a while. Or be pampered with all love they have. Sometimes it is important to express, and sometimes its important to feel what others have for you. Sometimes all we want, is to hold hand with someone and just watch the sky at night. But even that is scary now. For then we expect and then it pains.

Once I never cared if it hurts, I was overflowing with love. Even if he berated me, I found an excuse for that and I was often true. For, he did fell in love. Just never knew how to show and was scared if he did it will hurt more. But he forgot, that is all I had to take away when he left. Maybe he was right, because inspite of showing less, I am a bundle of his memories. For he took my soul away, and one night told me, he felt that his soul left to enter mine. And that is still my most cherish memory. We were two souls, fighting a distance, having a silly lover’s conversation post midnight on the phone and a moment changed it all. I felt a white invisible angelic force embracing me and so he did. And thereafter, I called him the soul mate. But then, it is said, soul mates never meet, for they are not meant for mundane tasks. But I never want to settle for anything less than that. But irony is no two loves are same. I might love again but not similarly. And I still hope, I still search, maybe I do have some ending. Some closure. He does the same. Even now. We still communicate in distress. But know our realities.

Some people say, we can have many soul mates. Some even call them best friends. I still wish I have not exhausted my quota. Maybe I should steal one from the heavens. But all I know is my quota for hurt is way overflowing and if I do feel once again and it goes dramatically wrong, I will be done with even hope. And that is one reason I have stopped feeling too, even if the other showers all the love. For I am wary of humans. I don’t want to be an object to be played upon anymore and I wouldn’t be. It will take too much patience for anyone to make me believe in their feelings. I just don’t hope. But if they can make me believe and crack my shield, I am sure they will be worth it. Only a messiah can heal. Only he can make me believe. And make it known that beautiful love is worth it. I hope he exists. Till then, I console my heart to be thankful that atleast he has known love.

I wish, I believe, I hope……love still exists….for me.

P.S. I have too much building inside and I didn’t even said half of it today. Maybe some other day. So be prepared for more such introspective rants when my mood goes disgruntled.

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Empty Existence

Tears_in_my_eyes_by_Etoile06

Tears in my eyes have a tale after long
Confessions I choose to make
To remove the stress that resides
From the life I now detest.

Relieving the moment that made sense
Of transformations I underwent alone
And cheerful laughter having no outlet
With deadly silences the new persona.

Golden spoon is your story
Often they said in jest
Smoothness was my destiny
Until a black hole settled.

Teased, bullied and often laughed
Yet I found happiness in people
For few understood the shine
And the honesty that was rare.

Lot of hands held me in tears
Sharing more than just smiles
For I had the oomph they desired
And in rare ones I found truths.

Then a tough call happened along
Isolation bounced forth alone
Priorities were to be chosen
And decisions to be made.

Society I kept afar in a jar
For close I kept some wrongs
I smiled and laughed for attention
Till I knew where the road passed.

I awoke at the right time
Yet the hands were again empty
For in that struggle to lose
I left all in a faraway land.

Some fake moments I gathered 
For they gave me smiles in hurt
I didn’t mind the ridicule befalling
Following storms of the devil.

A cut was once again made
This time it left a wound
With path breaking moments
And some mental collapses.

Life moved once again
With options to relive
Procrastinating the wait 
 I sat and settled ‘alone’ reality.

People again tried to surround
But confronted my silence
For I was there as another
And not someone loved.

Distances had a difficult effect
From being the ever-present being
I was someone with its own esteem
Lonely, but I chose to not lose.

I whimper in my bearing everyday
With a bruised soul that pains
For losing people dear and near
And left with empty existence.

Also Prompted @Theme Thursday, Two Shoe Tuesday  and Pondering with a Purpose

Regaining Love

Sadness envelopes
With certain bereavement
Tears appear
All across the skies.

Wandering to seek
Losses I made
Uncertain in the gains
I slip in attempts of vain.

Nostalgia grips way
Times spend back
Trying to hold
I fall in deep well.

Sounds of laughters
Heard in the background
From faces in the ground
Fixated in memories of time.

I flip pages to hold
Time and moments of past
Which took in its hurts
People most loved.

Machines fast revolved
To tell stories of loss
Of all that was possessed
Emotions became games played.

Life moves and still we stand
Hurt is frozen and things gone
Wandering across distance
I again come across the point.

Heart speaks of what’s amiss
As it lay eyes on what completes
Vibrant speaks to move bit more
To hold once again what mattered most.

Seeing those who still beat inside
Being worthless to their outside
Pages were shattered with moisture
Wiping inks written back in lure.

Bestowing fore hearts of love
Seeking what was not mine
Hatred was nullifying itself
Chances was finding ways.

Satisfaction is faraway seen
Aiming to remove void
I wonder once again in veils
Will love regain its old glory?

Its Days Alike

Its days alike the present
I miss your presence near
The days when things worsen
Making the heart weaken
Trickling moisture speak alone.

Its days alike I hate the distance
That makes life tough in a fizz
Where all I seek is a word so meek
A hug that wipes the hurt in glitters
Alas, the love makes the within all lone .

Its days alike when hurt makes me insane
When things worsen in flicks till I die within
Tears froze to tell a tale missed by knowns
Dears are the ones that break me to pieces
Making my bones crack and find recluse in pains.

Its days alike when good die to see a pessimist awaken
Negativity surround forever to see a blemish
Scars of the past makes efforts worthless
Lost in the eyes as black hole seem to call forth
Finding myself losing breath ,I once call to solitude.

Its days alike I wanna surrender it all
Run from the struggle and melt in nature
Bitter words shake the spirit
Feet flutter stopping the within
Faith seem to die as cries of agony burst.

Its days alike where life seemed to have no answers
I cluelessly fall never to move ahead
Hate stares surround the beingness
As bells of losing ring within the ears
Fighter within astonished at the face mirror shows.

Its days alike when earth refuses to pay heed
Dark spell surround wherever sight befalls
Eyes swollen and scared spells speaks
Thought pass through one face which trusts
I cried again in loneliness wishing you never loved
Fighting the hates I arise once again
For the promise bonded for the one who believed.

Also Prompted@One Single Impression