Love

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Hello everyone,

Life have been just very hectic and I had to let go off #OctPoWriMo in the last days. But its unfair I couldn’t complete it so I thought even if late let me just finish it today for it was something I took to challenge myself :).

So here to the last three days ūüôā

Day 29

Love that was mad, I say
Consuming all that was me
Blissfully unaware of all
I lived in it madly each day.

Taught what nothing else could
Breathed in it, what others wanted
Heaven was his embrace, all together
Left me in shackles, to strengthen.

Seeking that love, in infatuations today
Gratitude I carry, for it did happen
Prayers for little bit more of it today
Even if less, but consuming I want still.

Day 30

On the day before, he decided to leave
I knew this was it, even if he didn’t
Taken aback was I, by lot of what he said
Shaken, yet I stood still, that moment.

Last night I call it, for what was ¬†‘us’
For what remained was, you and I later,
Yearnings and hurts sparkled in tears
A long darkness I saw later, but I lived.

Never forgotten,what the day before was,
Decisions I stuck to, for long even afters,
Today I feel the peace within, with bruises,
For today, my heart still knows, pure love.

Day 31

Writing whatever the heart felt,
In verses, in brief, in elongated terms,
I smile at the poetry, the month gave to me,
Almost missed the challenge, yet I wrote.

Scarcity of time, loads of work that brain had
Yet, peace was found, when I sat to write
A journey, to find, what I was loosing within,
Words, that were my love, were found somehow.

Experience, of joys, and pains, but still worthwhile
All penned, and shared, flowing out in the world,
Feeling, I didn’t know, were waving out to me
And today I smile, for somehow I lived to my promise.

Written as part of OctPoWriMo Writing Prompt Day 29: For All the Loves You’ve Loved Before , Day 30: The Day Before… ,¬†Day 31: Poetry Writing Challenges

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P.S. : This is for Morgan Dragonwillow¬†¬†for she pushed me to take up this challenge inspite of a busy schedule. Though I left in last few days, I am completing it still for myself ūüôā

Unrequited Love

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I don’t even know if I know what it is properly. Maybe because whenever I have felt something which was not requited I called it infatuation. My first crush lasted I guess five years. It got over when I thought I was in love. But today I think he wasn’t love but was my first muse. Back in those days, I studied literature, and absolutely loathed studying poetry but then this guy walks in with those greek God looks and I started to scribble. I hardly have much memory, but I know, I had lonely nights where I just wrote and in the college I roamed here and there to catch a glimpse of him. I think I even changed chairs in my class once to sit near him. And maybe even smiled when he took my notes or said thanks. Man, those were the days. That was the closest I could get to love then. And I benefitted. Few of my poems were published and I found a talent I never knew existed. Also, I got a taste of love that isn’t mine.

Then, came another one, I crushed on. I think everyone but me knew I was infatuated. And somehow he never liked it. He almost scrapped my heart out. It was terrible. Yearnings I came to know then. But he marked his memory forever. For he was also my first kiss. A very beautiful one. My heart desired more and I messed up the friendship. And we became strangers. But then somehow things happen for the best. For if he had never happened, I would not have met someone who I cannot define.

I called him the friend first. Then a best friend, then my first love and ultimately my soul mate. But I am talking of unrequited love right, so how can we talk of lovers ? Well, sometimes lovers teach a bit too much about it. He taught me love, strength, patience and lot many things. But more than anything he taught me that kind of selfless love where we are fine with them not loving us our way. That is unrequited love too in a way. It took a great deal for my heart to make that person my greatest weakness, and it took a lot of strength to make him accept his love for me. But I won. Love won. Just that destiny failed us. And ever since, he stays as the greatest love story of my life till date. We maintain the fallacy of friendship but still cannot talk about our lovers. My heart skips a beat when I see his picture. I have moved on, maybe. But he is still that piece of my heart that still feels the same. I never could gather the courage to meet him again. For if I did, love might come flooding back and destroy me.

Of late, I relish in the idea of unrequited love more than going and expressing it. Maybe being in love scares me. I infatuate, I cherish people I like. I write about all muses I meet. But I don’t seek a story. I like to yearn, I like to feel it from afar. And then when I take a step, someone just destroys me. Someone just did that. I was on a step to love and they stepped far and cut me off their life. I was hurt. But more than anything I was taken aback at the coldness which humans have now. They express all their love till we are ready. And then. Maybe, that is just me. Maybe, it is the expectations of the heart which want more. But then I love and hence I feel and so I write.

Somehow, life has taken hold of me. I don’t really care or love that hard. Infact, it doesn’t matter. I have a hard time to trust. I somehow wonder if love is even for me. For all my life, I loved more than I got and I just lost the patience. Or maybe because I showered all my love to that one person that now I just cannot give. I can give from far, like unrequited love. But when I receive, I question it.

Maybe that is one reason, my muse is just that for a long time. When I first met him. I knew we could write a tale together. I longed to touch the cervices of his scars and tell him I can heal. Below the moonlight night, when he sang, I wanted to quieten his pain. When we shared coffee, and he talked of his dreams, I wished I could live them with him. And now when he talks of loneliness, I wish to sit aside and listen. But alas, I can’t even embrace him or hold his hand. Kiss would be too much. It is not like I cannot. I fear, I have lost the capability to love, and would loose that feeling if I get the ‘¬†one’. Maybe, I am just too used to unrequited love to ever be able to relish mutual love.

That is just me.  I loose feeling the love when people show too much of it to me. Maybe I like challenges even in love. But I still believe. Because only love is what can make a happy destiny. I believe someday that shield from my heart will go and I will love with all my vulnerabilities. But what hurts is, till that right one comes along, lot of players might attempt to bruise my tattered heart. I do not really allow it now. But we have our weak moments, where we just want a caring hand. Maybe, age is catching on me. And I detest loneliness. I am vulnerable and yet shielded. And it is scary to think that in that double protection game I will attract only the wrongs and repel the right. For I distrust all humans now. For what some evil ones did.

I am made for loving. Maybe even unrequited. I am made for longing and spilling it out on paper. I am made for lonely poetic nights and cold tears. I am made for lot of things. But I still believe.

I believe there is reality beyond unrequited love for everyone.

P.S. I wrote this as a guest post for Archana’s blog¬†long time back.¬†Long I wrote anything so thought will update my readers with this for it has been a while.

P.S.S. Too much this heart and mind has stuffed inside and somehow I am unable to write it and spill. As a result the person that is me is suffering. I updated my blog in the hope that maybe I get inspired to write. Even if few words. I want to. Someday I will.

 

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Numbers Speak

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I know you hated me for them
But then I smiled with them
Gosh your memory, you often said
And these numbers, I loved.

End of January it was, you said
Twenty ninth, I whispered, teasingly
You smiled and said, tell when we met?
I smirked to mark another date then.

That thirty first haunted long
For you let anger spill once
Letting one go who held you close
I called it the dark new year’s.

Then there were few many’s
Like that twenty sixth
And that one twelfth dearest
Many more dates of memories.

What still haunts is a number two
For it influenced your birth
One who snatched away this heart
To smash it off beyond any repairs.

Written as part of the OctPoWriMo writing prompt Day 23: 35a81-journalNumber Theory

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Circle of Life

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Tears float around
Water lay still
Wonder of future
As past knocks.

I see clouds
Of us alone
Years have passed
Something still stays.

I feel nothing
You try evoking
‘What if’ bothers
I turn back.

I cherish memories
I stay still
Date you seek
I keep promise.

Love was true
World turned since
To keep sanity
Distance I love.

Souls are winded
I loved once
Time is different
Hurt no less

Fate is playing
I at peace
Circle of life
Gives the justice.

Written as part of the OctPoWriMo writing prompt Day 22: A Picture Paints a Thousand Poems

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The Promised Coffee

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Present 

A promise was all that it seemed. ¬†For it was with someone non existent in the present. Yet, it was all that was hers. Rekindled memories appeared with the thought of keeping the promise. It was like a long¬†forgotten¬†kiss felt on the sour lips. The fresh smoke out of the bag hidden somewhere in the past, was inciting her. Somehow it was the date that didn’t let her sleep. It was her favorite month, once again. A fool’s delight was the date tonight. Yet, something told her that he might not take it a miss. What if he skips the deal and later pronounces with those shameless words, ‘O darling. That was a April Fool’s joke’. But she is known to keep her word. And he never did. So she took the chance, for a promised word, they made a decade back.

Ten years back 

A phone call it was all.  Somehow she initiated the conversation by a simple forwarded text she sent him.  But, then somehow they wanted a talk. It has been years since life happened.

*EXCLUSIVE* Selena Gomez Has A Big Smile on Her Face

He: Hello.
She: Hi. I wasn’t expecting a phone call.

He: And I was thinking of some coffee.
She: Eh? Sorry?

He: The apology for not meeting and remember I have to return that book.
She: And those change too.

He: O ya *Chuckles*
She: Since when did you start needing excuses?

He: Since you stopped meeting.
*Silence*

She: Anyways, so what is new?
He: Will tell you when we meet.

She: Eh? I thought that was a joke.
He: Nope. O comeon just a coffee. Tomorrow?

She: O Ya Ya. Let us make a deal. Coffee on you. Years on me.
He: Eh?

She: 10 years later. Same date. Same city. Coffee. You and me.
He: Hmmm. And I will still be nothing.

She: My career hasn’t even started. Deal?
He: Deal. 1st April 2013. We meet again.

She: You never asked where and what time?
He: Our place. I am sure it will still exist. And for breakfast?

She: Promise. And then we will talk.
He: But tomorrow?

She: I am just not yet ready.
*Silence*

She: Talk to you later. See you.
He: See you.

It has been five years since she saw him last. Yet, she wasn’t ready. Will life be any different ten years later. She wondered.

Present

Basking in the glory of the present, she realized how he still manages to make her feel miserable. How she was still a¬†vacuum¬†unknown. Everything used to be magical in his presence. Then, she¬†reveled¬†in grief and pain too long. ¬†She never really raised a finger over the wrongs once. And today, something was not really right even in the perfect surrounding. . Maybe, it was waiting for the closure she will be giving herself tonight. She should have done that decade back. But then she wouldn’t not have given herself that seal then. Now she can. After all, tomorrow is another day.

As the sun was out in its glory, she found herself in front of the mirror, trying to look the best. After all, sometimes impressions are all that are yours. So, here she was ready before time and on the way to the place. They called it their place. Sigh. She thought how the memories still pass through you after all these years. Five years of togetherness. Fifteen years apart. Yet, a string strung.

She finally was standing at the edge of that buzzing coffee shop. She still could find a imprint of them stuck to their old corner.

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Feeling the fresh corners of the seat that held them once, she found a comfortable posture to settle down. She was in an anxious mood as to if she did the right thing by being here. What if he didn’t remember. Or what if he choose to forget the promise. Her convoluted mind and confused thoughts were interrupted by a familiar scent and a familiar face. Just some grey hair and a wrinkled lines on a bespectacled face were the new addition. Otherwise, he was still the heart stealer .

He: So you did stop by?
She: Even you did.

He: This city is still my second home. You have gone places.
She: This city will always be my first home. Anyways, how you been?

He: Good. Just a bit old maybe.
She: Still fishing for compliments. Are you?

He: Not at all. Infact, you deserve too many.
She: * chuckles* I am too old for that.

He: Life begins at forty darling. And I must say you have taken quite a good care of your body.
She: So you saying I have finally achieved the perfect figure which I never had back in college. Right?

He:  Transformation from an angel to a diva I say.
She: Stop buttering. We are no longer in college

He: O college. Makes me feel like how long it been. Even the university days were over long back.
She: Fifteen years since we last saw each other.

He: You remember?
She: I do. Though it wasn’t such a great memory.

He: Sigh. I know.
She: So spectacles make you quite serious

He: Now we look bit similar.
She: Hahaha and professional.

He: You do. I am still stuck in the same old routine
She: Sympathy gainer you still are.

He: Not with everyone
She: Ya Ya. So, how is Natasha?

He: * Stares*
She: I know her real name for too long.

He: Sometimes wrong facts are the only option we have.
She: Dishonesty is never right. Only if you were not the coward.

He: I wasn’t. Just the circumstances….
She: O ya. Circumstances make you cheat. Fall in love. Anyways, any kids?

He: Not yet. Actually I am planning to go abroad for a degree.
She: Doctorate isn’t your game darling. And still confused about your life? High time you take control of it.

He: Haha. You still know me quite a bit. I see, You did very well with that part. A writer. You always wrote well.
She: I hardly wrote back then. But then found my calling in it ultimately.

He: Marriage?
She: Who has the time?

He: Don’t do that?
She: Everything isn’t about you, love.

He: You really loved me no? Wish I…
She: Courage is the word. But don’t. For then I would have turned a drop in the ocean. Pain teaches us life. And you never had that around you.

He: You also had the destiny to be so.
She: Yes. Even you did. Just you never saw

He: That is so not…..

Before he could complete the sentence. A horde of fans were surrounding her like devotees. She had no option but to make a move, she finally said:-

” You only wanted¬†artificiality¬† I only wanted you.¬†But my path was right and yours was wrong.¬†You are still mine in those memories.¬†Fame was bestowed, for I had love.¬†And you have an empty hand.¬†Next time wish with a clean heart “

Tears rolled. He loved, but with conditions. And he finally realized it.. She ultimately found the closure. As she let him go completely.

Love grew in the innocent hearts
Memories were all it left then
They still curse it for the pain
Yet relish it for the desire abound.

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Also Prompted @ 3WW, Inspiration Monday, Sunday Scribblings, NaPoWriMo, Theme Thursday, Carry on Tuesday and A-Z Blogging Challenge ( K for Kiss and L for Love)