Regrets and Law of Attraction

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Do you guys have regrets? Or is life way too beautiful for us to get ourselves stuck with them? Do you feel we have what is known as temporary moments of regrets? If it was not so, how come we don’t regret those marks or the misses we once did? Or do we attract all the wrong decisions to us too which make us nearer and nearer to our real goal in this life?

Today, while on my evening walk these were the thoughts that were occupying my brain. I have been reading the book ‘The Secret’ off late and I was wondering how we attract even bad decisions and how we repel people we don’t want to stay longer? I think it might be due to law of attraction. If not, how do I not remember all that I regretted or hated once? How come my messes have no play in today’s life? I messed my boards and wanted to disappear and yet I don’t regret or even remember it now? I regretted leaving literature once but it was not in my hands. If I had pursued, life would have been different. But would it have been what it is today?  If I had pursued science I might never have fallen deeply for literature as I did  or even discovered I had the talent to write. I never did bad when it comes to studies after school maybe because I did what I had capability for and what if I had not? If I had pursued literature more, all novels would have turned work not love and passion. I might have stayed in the same university and not seen hostel life and might not have fallen in love right? And what is life without love man. I might not grown up as much I did. From innocence to strength I saw it all. Infact love gives us such courage that we know not of. I once let go off many things for love and I feel it was all for good. Infact I feel its good I never moved out for its only lucky children who get to be there taking care of aging parents. That is one regret I wouldn’t have want for that would have stayed forever. Of not spending enough time with parents. My life is still not sorted but now I feel I am content at what I do atleast and its beautiful and I feel I attract or repel decisions too.

For a long time in life I felt I was God’s chosen angel. And then I stopped believing and he stopped answering. Yet when I think now. All along he was hearing it too. He got me rid of wrong people when I couldn’t take them anymore. All I needed was to say and like magic they said goodbye themselves. It was funny but it still happens. Coincidently, I have even attracted guys I dated or crushed. They used to be this popular guy every one wanted and like magic they liked me. But then the ones I knew it was a hopeless struggle got repelled and left too. I believe in being chosen more now so it happens easily and I know it. I even get over people after initial day or so after realisation dawns of what a mess it would have been if they had stayed. So I think now whatever I have in abundance today is because I always believe I can never be short of this and it is so.

We all have struggles. I still have more in future. But every wrong decision made me move closer to the person I am and that is beautiful. As a result I don’t regret. I just close my eyes and thank certain things for existing and others to go. But when I fear losing I do lose. For I am not sure of myself.

So something like law of attraction exists. If it has to work, don’t regret. Why regret what made you happy? Why regret love or losing when it makes you a winner someday? All we need is some courage to make all we want a reality. And rest, life is indeed beautiful.

Till next time,

Live, Love and Laugh.

P.S. I never asked how you guys doing? I miss writing so this was one of those random writings. Hopefully I can write more this year. And yes, Happy New Year you guys 🙂

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February Learnings

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February. The month of love. The month of newness. The month of hard work. This was one defining month in my life this year. It was a month of learnings. A month of strong bonds. Month of strengths. And a month where I found my calling. A month where I realised that the profession I somehow chose was somehow something I loved doing and in a way made me passionate.

February brought me anxious pangs and trying to cope up with life moments too but I had no complaints. For it made me an ever more ambitious person who knew it’s possible to live your dreams.  It taught me that it was worth sticking to your resolves for in the end it’s your life. February brought me my first job finally after a long wait. Though it was temporary, I was in a field I always wanted to be in. Lot of people called me stupid past year or so for not doing anything that comes my way but thanks to supportive parents I never lost it. And it was worth it. For if I had chosen a more hectic job and different field I would have not have been this happy and satisfied. I might not have not stuck in that workplace for long but it was all worth it.

February also made me closer to certain people in my life who made sure I sailed through that first stressful month of work smilingly. I will cherish that person for that always. February was also about friday socialising. It was about comic cons and birthdays. It was surprise plans and lot of HKV visits. It was about lot of love and hugs.

February was also about lovely students. My first batch of students who made me love my profession. They were the ones who made my day even when I had bad woken up moods. They were one special batch. February was about plain hard work 24X7 to be the best. It was about proving to all that I am the perfectionist and hard worker no one sees. It was about learning to teach older students and learning the art. It was making my profession into my passion.

February was about lot of things. But in the end it was about finding the much needed peace and happiness for my soul which comes from taking first steps towards satisfying future.

Love sprinkled around
In the mist of mornings
In anxious early travels
In new beginnings I saw.

New phase, new moments
In taking baby steps
In turning victorious
Every second moment.

New pressure, new plans
In working the hardest
In giving the best I knew
In learning art of survival.

New bonds, new loves
In the evening outings
In warmest of embraces
In the hand that held.

New smiles, new laughs
In the weekend coffees 
In the impromptu visits
In the memories of a life.

New surprises, new happiness
In the secret expeditions 
In the circle of friends
In moments to cherish forever.

New passion, new satisfaction
In the confidence found alone
In the passion of loving it all
In the yearning to be the best.

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Written as Part of the Month of the Year Writing Prompt 2014-Season4

Hopeful January

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When I first started writing this post, it was just some poetic lines and then I thought something was amiss. I went back and read my posts for the Month of the Year Challenge and realised I mostly used to go for random heart to heart writings in this challenge and always loved it and so why change something which made me happy.

So, I think I will stick with the format and mix prose and poetry in this challenge this year too. I just hope I don’t bore you people much.

I am still aghast at the fact that the year is ending. Just two day back, at a meeting a colleague went ‘Oh the year is ending’, and we all went ‘Gosh. Where did it go?’ and I silently smiled. For somehow this was one sane and comparatively happy year that I spend in a long time.

January brought the much needed hopes and I welcomed 2014 with way too much hope then anyone could even think. Maybe it didn’t lived up to all but then the year didn’t do bad in most areas. I wanted lot of things on the professional front. They were fulfilled to a lot of degree as I loved doing whatever I did professionally this year and I hope the remaining wishes are fulfilled in 2015.

January was about the december that had gone. It was about the smile left after meeting one of my best friend after 2 years in december and the night out that was just about smiles. It was about the new found creativity and the new muse who gave a lot of poems to this blog. I am just glad he ended as just another muse. It was about reminisces and nostalgic memories.

January was about meeting school besties. It was about the gossip sessions and smiles. It was about happiness. It was about the love triangle of us three. It was about cold evenings and long travels. It was about love that stays inspite of all the distances in between.

January was also about new bonds and friends. It was also about failing expectations and hurts. It was about new learnings about humans. It was about learning to let everyone go for your happiness is the most important achievement. It was about new found maturity and care. It was all about priority. It was all about me.

January was about much waited interview calls and hard works. It was working towards something I wanted. It was about skipping some events to fulfill your passions. It was about your work being something that brings the glow in your eyes. It was about conquering anxious pangs and coming out victorious. It was about the feeling when the ‘first work day’ comes. It was about giving your best to something you always wanted. It was about proving all the discouragers wrong.

January was about lot of things. But most of all it was about me. Just like the year was. It was about finding me in the smiles of passion.

New beginnings, new hope
New year, new smiles
I called it love
As the year dawned.

Smilingly waved away
The year that went
And memories of past
Left me enough happiness.

A new muse, a new smile
Some  warmth around of good
Creativity and passion got meshed
As the wintry january was welcomed.

A renewed strength was found alone
After a year of just endless waits
A month that gave me light somehow
The month I realised, year will be good.

Of beautiful feelings, of different writings
Of reunions, with one’s I call my bestest
Of laughters, and love, that filled me
Of tests, of impatience, of goodness.

Of new found friendships, of new carings,
Of pains, of hurts, and  lot of fun
Of facing my fears, of facing the unknown
Of new starts, of finding, my own end.

Of anxious learnings, of prayers and fears
Of hope to prove, of taking one more step
Of that winter, that ended up most fruitful
Of all that, the next month brought forth.

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Written as Part of the Month of the Year Writing Prompt 2014-Season4

P.S. : With this post, I take part in the second writing challenge this year and hope to finish it. This is for my dearest friend  Lady Nimue 🙂

Unrequited Love

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I don’t even know if I know what it is properly. Maybe because whenever I have felt something which was not requited I called it infatuation. My first crush lasted I guess five years. It got over when I thought I was in love. But today I think he wasn’t love but was my first muse. Back in those days, I studied literature, and absolutely loathed studying poetry but then this guy walks in with those greek God looks and I started to scribble. I hardly have much memory, but I know, I had lonely nights where I just wrote and in the college I roamed here and there to catch a glimpse of him. I think I even changed chairs in my class once to sit near him. And maybe even smiled when he took my notes or said thanks. Man, those were the days. That was the closest I could get to love then. And I benefitted. Few of my poems were published and I found a talent I never knew existed. Also, I got a taste of love that isn’t mine.

Then, came another one, I crushed on. I think everyone but me knew I was infatuated. And somehow he never liked it. He almost scrapped my heart out. It was terrible. Yearnings I came to know then. But he marked his memory forever. For he was also my first kiss. A very beautiful one. My heart desired more and I messed up the friendship. And we became strangers. But then somehow things happen for the best. For if he had never happened, I would not have met someone who I cannot define.

I called him the friend first. Then a best friend, then my first love and ultimately my soul mate. But I am talking of unrequited love right, so how can we talk of lovers ? Well, sometimes lovers teach a bit too much about it. He taught me love, strength, patience and lot many things. But more than anything he taught me that kind of selfless love where we are fine with them not loving us our way. That is unrequited love too in a way. It took a great deal for my heart to make that person my greatest weakness, and it took a lot of strength to make him accept his love for me. But I won. Love won. Just that destiny failed us. And ever since, he stays as the greatest love story of my life till date. We maintain the fallacy of friendship but still cannot talk about our lovers. My heart skips a beat when I see his picture. I have moved on, maybe. But he is still that piece of my heart that still feels the same. I never could gather the courage to meet him again. For if I did, love might come flooding back and destroy me.

Of late, I relish in the idea of unrequited love more than going and expressing it. Maybe being in love scares me. I infatuate, I cherish people I like. I write about all muses I meet. But I don’t seek a story. I like to yearn, I like to feel it from afar. And then when I take a step, someone just destroys me. Someone just did that. I was on a step to love and they stepped far and cut me off their life. I was hurt. But more than anything I was taken aback at the coldness which humans have now. They express all their love till we are ready. And then. Maybe, that is just me. Maybe, it is the expectations of the heart which want more. But then I love and hence I feel and so I write.

Somehow, life has taken hold of me. I don’t really care or love that hard. Infact, it doesn’t matter. I have a hard time to trust. I somehow wonder if love is even for me. For all my life, I loved more than I got and I just lost the patience. Or maybe because I showered all my love to that one person that now I just cannot give. I can give from far, like unrequited love. But when I receive, I question it.

Maybe that is one reason, my muse is just that for a long time. When I first met him. I knew we could write a tale together. I longed to touch the cervices of his scars and tell him I can heal. Below the moonlight night, when he sang, I wanted to quieten his pain. When we shared coffee, and he talked of his dreams, I wished I could live them with him. And now when he talks of loneliness, I wish to sit aside and listen. But alas, I can’t even embrace him or hold his hand. Kiss would be too much. It is not like I cannot. I fear, I have lost the capability to love, and would loose that feeling if I get the ‘ one’. Maybe, I am just too used to unrequited love to ever be able to relish mutual love.

That is just me.  I loose feeling the love when people show too much of it to me. Maybe I like challenges even in love. But I still believe. Because only love is what can make a happy destiny. I believe someday that shield from my heart will go and I will love with all my vulnerabilities. But what hurts is, till that right one comes along, lot of players might attempt to bruise my tattered heart. I do not really allow it now. But we have our weak moments, where we just want a caring hand. Maybe, age is catching on me. And I detest loneliness. I am vulnerable and yet shielded. And it is scary to think that in that double protection game I will attract only the wrongs and repel the right. For I distrust all humans now. For what some evil ones did.

I am made for loving. Maybe even unrequited. I am made for longing and spilling it out on paper. I am made for lonely poetic nights and cold tears. I am made for lot of things. But I still believe.

I believe there is reality beyond unrequited love for everyone.

P.S. I wrote this as a guest post for Archana’s blog long time back. Long I wrote anything so thought will update my readers with this for it has been a while.

P.S.S. Too much this heart and mind has stuffed inside and somehow I am unable to write it and spill. As a result the person that is me is suffering. I updated my blog in the hope that maybe I get inspired to write. Even if few words. I want to. Someday I will.

 

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The Thing Called Love

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One of those not ‘feeling good’ day I am having and I thought maybe writing will help me little bits. What is bothering me no one knows and maybe even I don’t but whatever it must be I hope it dies soon. Just the kind of day I want to cry or maybe even howl but I cannot. Kind of day where I want to snap out at everyone and without reason.

Somehow since I came back to blogging after a gap I forget all the rules of the game. I am no more particular of what I write. I hardly visit much blogs (of which I am sorry), hardly use my favorite prompt sites, and it doesn’t bother much if I am losing my readership base. Maybe this place has become my personal diary where I just have to take out and things make sense. One of the advantages of being semi anonymous I guess.

Now back to the problem. Life is little bit mess right but I know it will be fine once vacation ends and the same hectic schedule starts. But I become too much of an overthinker till then. And even worse when things go sane. Last month was in many mess, health wise mostly. Also, stopped being the nice one. Yet, I felt sane. And now when life is again better, I feel crap. Mended some old bonds and I am glad. Maybe I should not have. Caring brings the worse in me. But I need it. For my mental peace too. Also, after a brief moment, my muse disappointed me once again. And I let it die a silent death. Doesn’t mean he will never make a comeback. He will be around. Just. Maybe because I dreamed of his coldness last night that I am much more messed.

Someone, once destroyed me for love. And thereafter I only made mistakes. Hurt people, got hurt, became a cold persona. Stopped feeling. Became too selfish for anyone to know. Then muse came and I saw hope. He didn’t do anything new now. But I realised let’s not have a story. For I am poles apart from what I was. I just lost the ability to love and patience for it. I might want a companion, but according to my whims and fancies, and that is not how it works.

This doesn’t mean I stopped having fun. I share a smile, sometimes a coffee. I flirt around. I like being crushed upon. But that is it. Last time I went ahead and formed a relationship, I damaged him and never cared. I became so cold that I had no morose of it ending. This wasn’t me. But alas it is.

You must be thinking a believer like me saying all this. Yes, I believe. The mushy stuff I write makes me hope. Or maybe I love my dreams. It is these imaginations which make me happy after a bad day. Fairytales aren’t for me, but I still delve in them for they are my happy quotient. I still hope I be proved wrong. But life is beyond those words and hopes. Love is much beyond those kisses and embrace. It is also about tears, separations and hurtful words. It has ability to thrash us so hard that we never pick up our pieces. I am still picking mine. I do want a happy ending, but maybe without love. But living loveless is not how God made a person like me. He filled in too much feelings in me. He made for me poetry, to feel it in the misery. He made me to give it all, and yet be happy with it. One part of it died long ago. Then I discovered the other. I relish my tales, my mush, my movie kind of imaginations. But these are things that sell. Not kind that happen to us, writers. We end up alone at times. Dying with a book in one hand and ink spilled pages in another.

Too much pessimism happened right ? What to do. Sometimes smiles refuse to reach my lips. Forget eyes. In attempt to make other laugh, I lost mine maybe. Or maybe I got tired of doing things and giving all what others’ need. Maybe I do need a kind word once a while. Or be pampered with all love they have. Sometimes it is important to express, and sometimes its important to feel what others have for you. Sometimes all we want, is to hold hand with someone and just watch the sky at night. But even that is scary now. For then we expect and then it pains.

Once I never cared if it hurts, I was overflowing with love. Even if he berated me, I found an excuse for that and I was often true. For, he did fell in love. Just never knew how to show and was scared if he did it will hurt more. But he forgot, that is all I had to take away when he left. Maybe he was right, because inspite of showing less, I am a bundle of his memories. For he took my soul away, and one night told me, he felt that his soul left to enter mine. And that is still my most cherish memory. We were two souls, fighting a distance, having a silly lover’s conversation post midnight on the phone and a moment changed it all. I felt a white invisible angelic force embracing me and so he did. And thereafter, I called him the soul mate. But then, it is said, soul mates never meet, for they are not meant for mundane tasks. But I never want to settle for anything less than that. But irony is no two loves are same. I might love again but not similarly. And I still hope, I still search, maybe I do have some ending. Some closure. He does the same. Even now. We still communicate in distress. But know our realities.

Some people say, we can have many soul mates. Some even call them best friends. I still wish I have not exhausted my quota. Maybe I should steal one from the heavens. But all I know is my quota for hurt is way overflowing and if I do feel once again and it goes dramatically wrong, I will be done with even hope. And that is one reason I have stopped feeling too, even if the other showers all the love. For I am wary of humans. I don’t want to be an object to be played upon anymore and I wouldn’t be. It will take too much patience for anyone to make me believe in their feelings. I just don’t hope. But if they can make me believe and crack my shield, I am sure they will be worth it. Only a messiah can heal. Only he can make me believe. And make it known that beautiful love is worth it. I hope he exists. Till then, I console my heart to be thankful that atleast he has known love.

I wish, I believe, I hope……love still exists….for me.

P.S. I have too much building inside and I didn’t even said half of it today. Maybe some other day. So be prepared for more such introspective rants when my mood goes disgruntled.

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