Silent Suffering Tears

The old tired eyes were finally filled with happiness at the sight of her only grandson. She was getting to embrace and love him after almost a year of his birth. She had yearn for the day since he was born and her smiles were flashing more than lightening. Yet there was one thing she wanted to say to that silent boy. One thing that she didn’t liked in his genes. One thing that she forever fought in the fifty years of marriage. Silently she wanted to tell him just don’t be like your father and grandfather when it comes to treatment of women. She knew the men in this house were overprotected and over-pampered and she was to blame for it in a way and yet there was somethings in them she can never change.

She was reminiscing the years passed in this house since she came from a pampered fairy tale childhood. The only reason she stayed initially was maybe the absence of her father in her life and the wish to make it work. And then she saw the coming of her son which gave her the reason to stick around even when her family couldn’t see her suffering. She preferred suffering all her life rather than spoiling the life of the new man in her life and smilingly accepted her fate. Her husband was a educated, foreign returned individual with a well respected job even though he came from a poor family. She was the most beautiful and pampered daughter of a landlord who was a known politician of his time. She was considered the most sensitive child and was a daddy’s girl but then fate had a twist and the stressful life took his father away from her. She couldn’t accept this fact but then life moves on. And it did.

He belonged to a very poor family yet he had a stable job and the cupid strike him when he saw her. He knew her brother and pursued it for half a year even if all her family was against it. She was very young and just finished with her graduation They were also decade apart in their ages yet he wanted just her. He promised to look after her studies as he planned to settle abroad and convinced of a happy life and that was all that it took to have a new life with one he loved.  And marriage happened and like always the man changed.

From a loving man to an angry young man emerged. He started hating the very brother who convinced her family to marry. He forced the ending of all relations with her mother, brother and hated all her family. The inferiority complex combined with possessiveness got hold of her. He was not a abuser but yet emotionally he killed her. Her mom cried and cried for years till one day she arrived at her doorstep asking her to divorce a man who is not keeping her happy. He got scared and knelt down. She was a mother by then and stood by her decision for the little boy she had born. She was never to remarry and single life would have not given a good future to her kid and so she stayed by convincing her mother he kept her happy. The anger, the fight, the possessiveness increased day by day and the marriage went downhill. Worse was his family who hated her as they felt she took their son away from them even though she always tried to bring them closer. The mother -in -law was a great lady but too influenced by poisons of her sister -in -law. So the son grew up hating them all and trying to take care of her mother at cost of fighting with the father. He was the reason that she started seeing her mother again after not meeting her for five years.

Years went by, her son was her pride and her daughter her princess. Yet, the children grew up seeing the fights and a deep unlikeliness for their father.  Her son grew up to be the one who respected woman for the struggles her mom took for him. He pampered her sister for all he missed. He hated his father for his flirtatious outings and those angers and he hated him most for not letting her mother make a career for he was in need of a housewife. The abroad plans never worked as he never wanted it to , she was stuck with his ways, his anger, her extra protective nature and loads of tears. She saw a marriage of compromise where love was taboo. He never worked more than he required for he felt he worked for himself not to fulfill demands of his wife or child. She was stuck to a man who never wanted children and yet was force to have them as they happened, a man who cut contacts with her biological family, who let her ambitions go to waste and made her friend less. In she short, she spent years with a man who made her lonely. Except for her children there was no reason why she lived for he gave her diseases of unhappiness.

Then the son grew up who never got along with his dad and yet was his image in many ways. He loved and respected his mom and sister beyond words. He couldn’t live without girls in his life and yet never wanted to give relation a name or respect. He was a player in his own ways like his dad. All this scared her a lot. He struggled , he digressed but then ultimately made his life. He spent a decade with the woman he loved but he couldn’t live a life with her. And then he fell for another.

She was educated, beautiful and belonged to a well off family and she was born in a country which prides itself as the superpower. He was a migrant in her country and yet in a decade managed to get a permanent job, a beautiful house and the right to be a legal citizen. Yet, they were decades apart when it comes to age. Yet , he pursued her. And ultimately she conceded for their ambitions matched. She fell head over heels in love and married the most perfect guy.

Perfect he was until the genes worked their magic. He fought with his parents over stupid issues and asked her to cut all contacts with her, even her little sister. When she resisted, his anger showed and flared and she accepted. She cried in close doors and scarily contacted her sister once a while but that’s it. He hated her childhood friends too and she removed all from her life for she loved her. Then she got pregnant and as she loved children it was the perfect blessing. But when it comes to sharing news, her husband went stubborn. She was forced to cut ties with her little sister as well. She was all alone when she needed all. He was more hypocrite than her mother could imagine and didn’t bring his mother to his home for fear of diseases to his new born and she couldn’t have her mother along too. Plea of her mother to get her mother didn’t work too. She suffered the longest and the scariest delivery but then seeing her son in front of her was worth it.

Today her sister and parents cry for they don’t know if she has born a son/ daughter nor have they seen their grandson nor have they the right to know his name. And here she is all alone too for her husband doesn’t even let him have private talks with his mother/sister to form a close bond for he lives a scared of unknown life like his father. He is one anxious being who freaks out at small things making his wife suffer more. His sister understands but she has suffered enough for the wrong decisions by her father and brother.

The mother looks at her daughter-in-law and sees the tears behind the veils of silence and happiness. She is saddened the son learnt nothing even in her suffering. She is more saddened that all he learnt was to run after money and not peace and happiness.

She  tells her daughter  one thing, ” the women in the house suffer for the faults of the men”  and yet she wishes her daughter- in- law doesn’t suffer like she did. She says to herself, her son saw her spent the whole life in tear and yet her son is going to do the same. For she is going to let the marriage work in tears for smiles of him. She sees the daughter- in -law’s fate as a sliver of her life. She still says silently to herself, We had one thing in common– the circle of destiny”.

As she bides goodbye to their son’s family going back to their home, she says a silent prayer that the son realizes the wrong someday and returns the smiles to his wife.

The daughter of hers who is a educated, strong willed woman stands in a corner and remember the words his brother said months after the marriage, “All marriages are just compromises”, and she wonder what can make him see her eternal love. And then she remember the words of her mother, “Even thousand women can not make men in my house happy, they will treat them all the same way.”

And then she wonders, If  I get a men like them will then they understand seeing me suffer ?

And her mother silences the thought saying, “Shhh…women have suffered enough, you are the change”

She prays that maybe her sister -in- law career uprising someday changes her fate and he let her be a working women and if that doesn’t happen, she will make sure she works someday. She finally decide to take a step to change it soon and yet wonders will the women in front of her spend her life for the man in her lap like her mother?

A silent email resides in the inbox from the little sister of her brother’s wife to his sister. It ask questions that has shaken her. The little girl is failing all attempts to reunite the family and she has lost her sister. She just wants to know what is her fault to make her brother ignore her since he married her sister when he pampered her before that. Doesn’t she has right to see her nephew/ niece or pamper her? It makes her see what is going wrong down generations. It’s upto her to address the issue or ignore it. Talking to her sister- in -law is impossible as her possessive brother screens all emails and talks and waiting for her to come means a year of letting her suffer. Addressing the issue might mean becoming evil in front of the brother and losing him in a way and also getting stern looks from her dad who support his son’s behavior.

Her mom knows it and prefers the issue to be ignored at the moment but how can she let the next generation suffer and yet she can’t ignore the consequences as she is yet a dependent family member and waiting for independence will be make her be party to injustice. She has no answers as she prefer telling her sister- in -law first before asking her brother more and  addressing the issue to the root and there is no way. How does she make all fine and make her brother sees sense and make the new female member have the happiness is something for which she has no answers. What will she do or not do is something only time will tell, alas.

Two women, two lives
Yet a common fate
Linked by destiny

As they pass across.

One saw no happiness
Just struggled to live
Another happy in a way
Yet silent tears rolled

Goodbyes to the parents
They saw as temporary
Yet the men they loved
Made it all permanent.

They loved and cared
Like it was only meaning
Yet he was forever lost
In loving just himself.

Old saw the young
Seeing repetitive fate
She wanted to embrace
And talk it all.

The possessive scared men
Created a divide forever
Alone bonding never happened
And both suffered separately.

The lone happy woman here
Wondered what she can change
She used to hate the new girl
For she snatched the brother.

Yet when her eyes open
She cries a miles of tear
She couldn’t wipe her hurts
But decided to find way someday.

Activism was in her blood
And life around sickened her
She decided to bring senses to men
Who destroyed life of many females.

(Syllable count- 223)

Also Prompted @ 3WW, Inspiration Monday, Poets United, The Purple Treehouse

P.S. This is a pure work of fiction and has nothing to do with my life. I drew inspiration for this piece through lives of certain people I encountered and decided to pen it to raise awareness about a type of domestic violence no one really sees. It is not physical in nature but is equally tormenting, I choose to call it emotional abuse. I hope reading this piece make some people realize that such kind of abuses which restrict the individuality of humans and make them live in hell is nothing less than a crime itself.

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Letters of Forgiveness

Today, as the clocks ticks away to say goodbye to year that was called ‘2011’. I sit back to reflected on the years which were all so bitter for the past four years. Either it was the vaccum that some created by leaving, the quick wrong decision I took or started being too critical. Life was not really pleasant and this year the drama reached its climax where I broke down in tatters before I picked it up. Lost a few people I considered special, took tough decisions of my life, worked rather too hard, had the longest grilling to get pass some extensions , bitter battles among siblings and the happiness of seeing new borns. This year gave it all. And somehow I made a decision to flow away all that held me from breaking loose. I forgive people who hurt me, I say things to people I never could and I forgive myself.

I seek forgiveness from my followers if this post is rather too long but I had to give this gift to myself to make a new start to a beautiful 2012 🙂


Dear First Love,

I finally  take the task of forgiving you for whatever you did. You destroyed me for future love, awesome love and happiness. My life being a disaster post you left. And what was a worse disaster was the truth I discovered. The lies you said. The girl you married and yet everytime we talked you had a straight face as if you did no wrong. You showed as if you truly loved only me and just circumstances made us apart. The campus was right you can never find a girl who loves you as much I did. I stopped adjusting or compromising post you. I turned practical and yet cynical. I made the most stupid decisions post you as I didn’t know how to survive alone and I cried nights for I believed you were my soulmate. Today I forgive you for all you did for you got what you sow. You are stuck in job in short of your dream for the simple reason that you hurt a girl who prayed nights for your success. You might try to convince you are in for a divorce but I don’t believe you for I have so moved off from you. But yes you did give some beautiful memories , I treasure them forever and Today I flew leaves of your memories in the river of forgiveness to free myself from you. For I  believe my soulmate still awaits and have a forever union with me and you was just someone who made a little baby girl into a mature lady. Thanks for the learning you gave.

I forgive you and open myself to all happiness I prevented myself from till date.

Love,
Me

Dear Psycho Lover,

I made a mistake when I entered into a dark well knowingly. We came from two different kind of upbringing, thinking and aims. We were poles apart when it comes to what we seek in life. I knew what kind of family you came from and yet I stuck to some stupidities. Honestly, it was never about status, money or anything that made me took the decision. It was the lack of educational and intellectual sense which made me took the decision. You never really intellectually stimulated me. And inspite of all the efforts you took, you failed. You took me as trophy to flaunt when you had me but did nothing to make yourself capable even in two years. I know I hurt you but possessive love is something which I can never stand. I made the biggest mistake to tell my family about someone not capable enough and I lived in a jail in my house for those 6 months. I hate myself for breaking my brother promise for a guy like you. And I hated myself for never telling you that I never really loved you. Because when you committed to me, I felt stupid of what you did. I feel you did it all as you wanted to flaunt me. And coincident bad incidences in your life make me feel like a fool. Only people I regret hurting is your mom and your sister. I don’t want you to spoil your life for I hurt you. But the fact is it would have not worked. We both would never have been happy.

I forgive you for all hate you have for me and I forgive myself for all I did for it was destined this way. I hope you forgive me someday and at peace too or maybe I am thinking too much and you have already move on.

Stay blessed,

Love,
Me

Dear Ex best friend,

I loved you beyond words. I cared for you beyond words. You were the bestest thing that happened and yet this is what I got. Just because your guy got interested in me in a drunken state. He was a jerk who two timed you once and yet you believed he couldn’t do it. If I was interested I would have met him in your absences but I never did. I never maintained contacts and for years I kept my lips sealed. And what I got was my image tarnished in the whole damn world with your version. And you made a great friend of mine have bad image of you and fight over it. What was that immaturity? I never stalked you too. You did. You found about persons in my life. Hacked accounts. You did all wrong and yet called me names. And the weirdness of you still don’t end. My brother was right about you and regret not listening. You are not only jobless but aim to do nothing with life too and glad it ended for us or you are someone who can be noone’s true friend.

I forgive you for all hate you had and move on to awesome friends I now have

P.S. And start dating guys with spines.

Love,
Me

Dear Sis-in Law,
I always dreamt of having a sister as my sis-in-law right from my childhood. I am someone who gets along with people rather easily and thought will do with you too. But then alas it was never true. Somehow we never got along with our point of views. Your worldview and mine differed a lot and you never understand my bhai’s protect and love for me and mine idealism for him. Jealously crept in you and started back biting about me to him and I hate that narrow approach you have. You still don’t want me to visit your home or maybe I see wrong. So for this new year I decide to not be biased with you and try and love you as we like it or not we are linked for life. I somehow thought of you pressing my marriage as way to cut my links with this house. But fact is that will never happen and my brother will forever love me like a child you have to accept it. You gave me my priced nephew whom I love a lot and I might hate you for not letting us visit him yet but I am giving you benefit of doubt once. I want to forgive you as long you keep both my bro and nephew happy. I can take care of my parents so don’t worry of that. Let me forgive you and have an unbiased view of you and I hope you end up as a nice person this time.
Love,
Me

Dear Bhai,

I have grown up idealizing you so I hate it too when we have cold wars. I know you worry too much about my health, my career, my decisions, etc and fear my future. But I am not the immature 12 year old any longer. If I can handle dad with his panic ways and convince him of right and wrong than I must have gained some maturity. I wanted a good degree from abroad as much you did. I never went on wrong paths nor wasted years but you hurt me a lot by not taking my advices in the application process and wasting my years and thousands of money. If I had gone my way, my supervisor would have made me visit you for a year too. But then bygones are bygones. That guy was my mistake but I never wasted years in romances. I knew how to balance. You hurt me in application handling and not trusting me to take guidance and getting high score and I hurt you in some ways. You were responsible a lot of my self confidence going down too. But lets just forgive each other as at the end of day we know we love each other the most. And please please remove negativity off your life like I did. Dad and mom worries a lot about you because of that approach. Life is beautiful and not just about money. Get back your creative streak and fall in love with yourself. I want you happy like you want me. My dreams are different from yours so now trust me let me take my own path and believe me I will do you loads of proud.
I love you the most,

Love,
Me

Dear Men who hurt me,

I am so sick of the jerks I end up meeting. I am glad you were never there for long and I hate how I trusted you to be my great friend. Yes, my first best friend in campus you were jerk too to never tell the truth about what happened and spread rumours. And yes you, the friend of my first love- you were an ass to say so many things and that’s the reason I never forgave you. And that college asshole who made me hate not slapping you. You destroyed lot of things in me. And that friend who fall and out of love in a week. I forgave you for the simple reason that you are still respect our friendship. And the asses of friends who had no love but other intentions I am no commodity for you, if I was interested I would have stayed friends.  And yes you my friend’s ex, you were the cheapest guy I ever met. You destroyed a friendship and had no guts to stand for truth. Lot of you made me believe I can never have people for long I get close to. Just don’t play with my emotions, be blant and I love it. Few of you who never trusted me with your secrets even after years of friendships have hurted me a lot too. I was something who would have changed your life had you trusted the love I had for you. Alas not. And today I give up on my addiction for you and choose to seek other areas where I might get what I desire and not just give. Its up to you to keep me still and you know how.I hope I no more meet your variety of guy and if I do I aim to not be attached to anyone anymore unless its someone who is destined in my life. I don’t want to have crush or fall in love with guys who can never stay firm on their liking. I am better alone and off your variety.

I finally forgive you all but we can never be friends.

Love,
Me.

Dear Mom and Dad,

I am no one to forgive you or something but I seek forgiveness for all times I hurt you. Mom, you are the world to me and your memory losses and health worry me to the hilt. I never make your esteem less I just want you to feel nice about yourself and get well soon so I say things I do. You have been the most uplifting, positive person I know. You always told me “Think positive” and I never listened and now I aim to do so. I hope the new year lifts all fights we had as you were worried of me going astray. Trust me I am on right path and will make you proud one day. I know I hid my relationships from you for they had no future but trust me when I do tell it will be the best guy for me.

Dad, please please stop the negative anxious life you live. You panic effects us a lot. Please love yourself and nothing else we want. We never got along and nor do our views. Your fear make me not like your anger in childhood and I hated your anti relative attitude. You should try understanding mom more rather than fighting with her . Age is old and she needs your support as much you do. Please remove your ego now. Its high time you do. People don’t love you or worship you as much you want due to this. You were such a talented person and could have reached zenith of fame but then you sought not much due to your laziness and took wrong decisions as well. But atleast don’t have ego of a president. Its not helping you. You are top in your area and have the best of contacts in this country and abroad but you ruining it due to the attitude you carry. I forgive you for whatever I hated you for once and seek you to love life you have with all of us.
I love you both and hope to make you both proud one day. Just stay beside me and believe in me and my dreams.

Love,
Me

Dear Me,

You have made wrong decisions, life took things away due to bad luck, hard work failed and inspite of all the things you did you never succeeded. But it was never just your fault. You never trusted your ability and your talent and its high time you do. Stop getting attached to worthless people. Don’t run after love. Love your work and be content. Love your dreams and believe in them. Work the highest you can and yet enjoy life. Be selfish for a change and get an eye for the right people. In short forgive yourself for you couldn’t be and Aim to reach highest now on.

Be positive, Love yourself and Live life to each moment. And BELIEVE IN YOUR DREAMS. You are really the best

Love,
Me

With this , I end my forgiveness for the past years and this year. This is my last post of 2011 and I look forward to a brighter, happier, loving and positive 2012.

Happy New Year to all my Readers.

Stay Happy. Stay Loved. Stay Blessed.

My Angelic Prince


As the year is nearing the middle, comes summers and where I come from they are scorching hot. So there was nothing special about the month of May all these years. Except for the fact that they marked the summer vacations in school and university days but the heat made us relish holidays more in the Air Conditioned rooms rather than roaming much. But then all this changed in this special month when we were fighting those sweaty heats. Across the seven seas, in one beautiful county was born an angelic face as the month was nearing its end. And by coming to this universe, he was changing the world for many a people, changing relations and being the first of the next generation. His name means the fortunate one and he indeed has been the bundle of happiness for everyone. He is the gift of God and  prince of our lives- my nephew, whom I yearn to hold still and yet he brings all the joys in the boring lives.

I still remember when the news of you coming in this world reached my ears, I went mad jumping across the house for I knew I will no longer be the youngest one and there would be giggles of someone young doing rounds in the silence of our house.  I knew there is soon going to be someone I can hold, play with, and have the smiles of my life with a certain right. He is going to be ‘my baby’ in the same way I was ‘the baby’ for my brother. I have always loved babies , they somehow fill my life with happiness and the whole time till he came into this world has been a beautiful journey. His news reached my ears when I was going through the worse period. He reinforced my belief that God still wanted his special plans for me. And he brought a sprinkle of rains with the news of an ‘angel’ entering my life.

I still remember the time when I first saw the glimpse of you on a video call. Those tiny closed eyes and the soft skin with tiny hands and feets gave the angelic feeling which is still  undefined. My parents maintained it on seeing him that he was my copy and maintain it still when he is almost six months old and it gives me a different kind of happiness as I have always grown up being the darling of my brother and still am.

Those tiny hands I yearn to touch and wish to smile with their happiness. You persona seems like crafted specially by God’s special inkpot. As we fought through stressing works, bad health and depressing lives, the giggling antics still put us at peace.  In the wildness of the cluttered lives of your parents, you came as a stable point. From being the rumple being the transformation to responsible lives is what makes their world goes around.

Festivity is yet to reach the ground when you touch base to meet the other half of the family and I yearn to see the smile on the old faces of my parents and the joy your parents gain out of it. We might spoil you, we might tease you but yet we all love you the best .

Eyes fill with happiness
As they lay on a tiny angel
That lays in the cradle
And smiles with a naughtiness.

Far off , yet near you are
As we saw you grow each day
From crying tiny faces
To big eyes that recognize.

You sat the first time
In front of us and smiled
Now the camera makes you curious
As you snatch it around.

We kiss you in spirit
And smile with all your actions
Your sleep smile is to die for
As you dream of angels.

We see you grow and await
When we can carry you
And love the real you
Holding those tiny hands of bliss.

P.S. I would like to thank  Thursday Poets Rally  for the The Perfect Poet Award for Poets Rally Week 58. I would like to nominate Lady Nimue for next week.

Written as part of The Month of the Year Challenge-Season 2.

Also Prompted @ 3WW, Theme Thursday, The Gooseberry Garden, Sunday Scribblings,OSI, The Poetry Pantry.

For Love Is All We do


You remember the time
When you held me first
And took me along
Sweets you distributed
As your ‘gem’ was born
For love is all you did.

I remember not the first smile
But you captured it all along
The pictures of the tiny me
Laying in your secure lap
For you were my ‘second dad’
For love is all you did.

Remember those school times
And remember my birthdays
When the chocolate appeared
Along with my favorite teddy
Which became my secret keeper
For love is all you did.

Meaning of surprise I learnt
And late night movies I saw
Unafraid of the dark
Eating pizzas and pastries
With the licking chocolate I miss
For love is all you did.

I still remember my friends
Teasing me of my idealism
They searched for my Romeo
And I rambling about you
For proud I wanted you be
For love is all you did

I still remember those blank calls
And being the messenger of love
And those calling visits
Leading to eating outs
Midnight scoldings I took
For love is all you did.

I remembers those locks outside
And the hard studies inside
I remember the stern look
And the extra pampering thereby
Proud grins seen when I succeed
For love is all you did.

Times changed fast
Distances miscommunicated
Your love became compulsive
Worried was you of me
For parents aged faster
For love is all you did.

A stranger walked her way inside
Hated she the preference for me
Jealousy made her witch talk
And comparisons aroused
She infests as you love
For love is all you did.

Your baby grew finally
And so did you with time
Mature discussions
And disagreements
I now thought and acted
For love is all I do.

I know you want the best
We are alike and we know it
When no one interferes we laugh
And fight childishly in all rights
You still pamper and I still spoil
For love is all we do.

I know time is tough
I cry more and you worry more
Sensitive is what family makes
But I jumble talks to hurt less
Time will change and you will see
For love is all we do.

One day we will think alike
And embrace each others pain
Cry we will and laugh in splits
Naked heart talks we will have
For love is all we do.

You is all I call mine forever
We define family dependence
And we will stick till the end
Unbreakable bond we share
For love is all we do
Till death do us apart.



P.S. I miss you Bhai and I love you loads.

Love I Breathe


Dreams I visualized,
As I conceived you,
Happiness encircled me
As I wished seeing you .

Tears swelled my eyes
As treasure I held
You transformed my life
A ‘mother’ was born.

 

 

To you, he surrendered
Tears dampened his face
Glory shined with pride
As his ‘apple’ was born.

 

Your skids incensed me,
Your kiss melts me,
My world you complete,
As heart beats within you.



Today you conquer dreams,
Knight awaits his bride,
A vacuum teases me,
But pride bids fairwell.


Memories imbibe my life,
Eyes fell on a random scribbling
“Momma remember always,
‘A daughter is yours first all her life'”
Smiled I, as your growth I see.

P.S. This is my salute to the selfless love parents all over the world who live just to see us smile. This world isn’t a bad place really because of your love and determination and with the love you all give.