I Break, To Fly

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Smiles turn into sadness in moments
And I sit to wonder of all wrongs
For the path I took was always right
And somehow a wrong turn, I regret.

Some laughs and lots of smiles I fetch
Some true love I was seeing all along
Then a cold shoulder, and arrogant look
And I knew , maybe a wrong judge I was.

Then there was a hand who I was scared
Holding me, all along, it just smiled
Messed was my persona, It still waited
And I smiled, for world isn’t all bad.

Some arrogance, and some pride, infiltrated
For people not worth, even a single tear
They faked care, in times I sought it all
But illusions were they, is all I now know.

I was never the bad one, I just loved
And then I see a blackened image in mirror
I despice, other might even judge, to hate
But I realize there is no other way to live.

I break, and cry. I shout and give up.
Wrong are the paths, and even demons I meet
Maybe a new life is all that I today seek
Erasing all memories, wiping what hurts.

This heart choose to be free, from attachments
I held close for I felt that it was I which matter
But wrong was my views, wrong was all that was me
Today I crumble my past, to find a new myself.

A new beginning, where all that matter will be me
A new place, a new life, and most of all new people
Untraceable would be my steps , unless I choose to take you
For enough have I given heed and begged, now I just fly.

P.S.  This work might not make sense or not be creatively good  but I had to just take it out somewhere.

Testing July

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July….Sigh….The Horrible July. How do I define this month- Tearful, stressful, path-breaking, testing limits, break downs, quitting urges, but maybe in the end-Task Completed.

July meant lots of running around, after all it was a month of the deadline, final level of editing. Running round and round the supervisor, and all the baggage that came with it. It was also a month of isolation and total cut off from the world. What a roller coaster ride it was.

A week of anxiety, of fear if it will be. Idle wandering to see if it will be done. And then the real hard-work of editing from dawn to dusk.  A day came when patience gave way and I broke the first time in front of the supervisor. I saw the kindness in the panicked her in the way with which she assured I will see that the task will be done. And then back to square one-days and days of only breakdowns,quitting thoughts, nervous parents and sleepless, hunger less, stress full me.

And then the last day arrived. Inspite of all doubts and last minute issues which assured I will miss the deadline- I Submitted. Ahhh, What a sigh of relief. Five years of work, bundled in that one bind. What ecstasy. Post work  stress illness happened and July remained horrible. But then, I accomplished what I started. Testing me and achieving even beyond my capabilities.

A first draft of the pains,
Laid in my hand as I await
That acceptance from above
Of work processing to finish.

From their busy life, and idle me
To the painful days of stress
Morning to evening, nagging head
And choked within, doubting myself.

Tears, breakdowns, worthless thoughts
I saw it all in few weeks time
The pace was fast, and patience nil
Still, I struggled to survive each day.

Kindness of the family, pacified in bits
The phone call mostly panickied me
For the errors were reported all the time
But I worked and worked, till all limits.

Days went, when it all seemed worthless
For nothing is more important than sanity
But then certain powers let me push beyond
I crippled but in the end reach the line.

Smile was all I could think now
When that work waited to be submitted
For one task was completed to set me free
And made me a winner, one time I wanted.

The result is still to be mine
And if the prayers stay, smile will reign
For now, I was glad, years of hard work won
I emerged victorious and smilingly free.

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Written as part of Nimue’s Month of the Year Writing Prompt-Season 3

Also Prompted @3WW, Easy Street Prompts and Poets United